September 23, 2011

Diapers and Double Standards

BOWLING AT EBEY BOWL on WHIDBEY ISLAND (with Gia rolling and Sarah, Stig, Nikolai, Ava, Kaya, and Terry looking on):

Uncle San-J, Gia & Elliot

Uncle San-J & Aunt Tra-C & Ava

THE END of DIAPERS: Like billions of parents, my wife & I have reached a milestone. Third daughter Kaya (Kaya on the Pot) is potty trained. Which means, after six and a half years of diapers, we’re done. After a couple of weeks of cold butt, namely, clothes off and icy shower for every accident, Kaya learned. Cruel? No. Effective? You bet.

Grandy, Ava, San-J & Tra-C

THE MONROE STATE FAIR YANG-YANG: This year my wife talked me into going to the Monroe State Fair. Usually she takes sister Tracy and the kids, giving me a win-win, or in the Daoist tradition, a yin-yin, as I escape the Fair and get a day to myself. But not this year.  So what’s the Monroe State Fair like? Think Disneyland but shorter. That’s a yang-yang. Nevertheless, in the end, the kids loved it, so what can I say?

Cousins, Three Sisters + Nikolai and Baby Gemma

FATHERMUCKER: I contribute to The Nervous Breakdown, a literary site, and TNB editor Greg Olear will release Fathermucker this October from Harper, a novel up my alley about a stay-at-home father. I wrote an article for the Fathermucker blog, in the spirit of gender inequities, “The Double Standard Makes Sense.” The point? You think men and women are equal? Hell no. I use circumcision, penitentiaries, and other examples to hammer down.

 

A Visit From the Tessaro Family: Cora, Cleo, and Eva

The Ferry to Whidbey Island

THE DOUBLE STANDARD: “I am married, the stay-at-home father of three daughters, and a proud sexist. Two sexes deserve equal rights, but not equal treatment. Why? Because men and women are not equal. Duh…” (Read essay here)

 

Uncle Somjait and Cousins Orion, Damien, & Satori taking Ava & Gia to their first day of school

Poker Night! Andy, Uncle Somjait, Me, Uncle Sanjay

MY SISTERS FLY HOME: This summer, as usual, my two younger sisters visited from afar (referenced in my Fathermucker piece) with their families. Always nice to have them, as they make our family seem relatively normal (examples may come in later blogs). My youngest sister Min and husband Somjait and three kids live in Hawaii, and Sarah with husband Stig and son live in Saudi Arabia. Hectic but very nice to spend time together as a family.

FAMILY TIME at GRANDY’s house  w/her offspring Terry, Tracy, & Danny

September 11, 2011, the last 80 degree+ day of summer?

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August 28, 2011

The Spider Room vs. Hugs & Kisses

 

At the Rose Garden with 三朵金花, or "Three Petals Golden Flowers"

Nai-nai teaching Ava & Gia watercolors

Carnival

This summer has been busy, busy, busy. Family in town, side projects, and the usual kid drama. As they grow older my wife and I are learning, by a form of trial & error and conventional wisdom, about discipline. As usual, the male and female clash. Dad would rather use a hammer, and mom wields a feather.

Kaya, Ava, & Cousin Gemma

My friend Layne on his birthday w/Ava & Leann

CRIME & REWARD: The modern parent lives in an age where punishment is seen as “mean.” Drug crimes get the offender more time than rape, murderers help sell sh*tty clothing, posing as martyrs in moronic ad campaigns ala United Colors of Benetton, and society blames crime on society, not the individual. How can the parent discipline? Corporal punishment? No chance. Thus we are left with timeouts and deprivations of treats and privileges.

Dad & his girls

Grandpa, Tra-C, San-J & Ava in the Kitchen

EFFECTIVE? It depends on how willing the parent is to be “mean.” Enter: The Spider Room. We have three spooky corners, a closet, storage space under the stairs, and the “wine cellar”, dank and dark formers stairs that led to our backyard from the basement, until our remodeled covered it up. It’s grungy, it’s dirty, and appropriately terrifying to a kid. Put them in (closet “spider room” for mild offense, egregious merits the “wine cellar spider room”), turn the lights out, and they learn quickly what happens to varmints that throw food, take crayon to sofa, bite each other (they’ve lefty nasty teethmarks on skin), or lie about leaving a “present” in the toilet (happens all the time, it’s the lie not the no-flush that’s the problem).

At Lake Chelan

DETERRENT? Our daughters, 6, 5, & 2 1/2, and nephew Elliot, have all done hard time, and the mere mention of “spider room” gets them to behave. Yet my wife (and sister-in-law Tracy) have different methods. When the kids are naughty my wife gives a hug, kiss, and explanation of right and wrong. Eeeeek! That’s not deterrent…that’s incentive. Let’s look at a hypothetical situation:

Gia graduates from WIS

WHAT MOM SAYS: “Ava and Gia, you know you are not supposed to play with peanut butter and milk in the backyard. That wastes food. Look at all these dishes and this mess. So now we have to clean it up. Okay? Mommy loves you, but mommy doesn’t like it when you girls are naughty. What should you do? That’s right, you have to put the food back in the refrigerator. And the dishes, where do they go? In the sink. Do you want to make mommy happy? Or do you want to make mommy sad? Good. Now you girls don’t be naughty, and mommy will show you how to clean it up.”

My dad takes pictures of his grandchildren

WHAT KIDS HEAR: Ava and Gia, blah-biddy blah blah neeter natter peanut butter and milk. natter natter chatter chatter hubba wubba lova wubba food gibbledy gloo biffity bop. Dishity messity food deener dorf differ dibbledy biddle gorf Mommy loves you hoinchy hoinchy hoinchy mommy will clean it up.

Mom at the Coupeville Festival

WHAT DAD SAYS: I see you girls are making a mess with food and dishes again! Spider room! Five minutes!

WHAT KIDS HEAR: Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! Spider room! Aaaargh!!!!!

As to deprivations, or the “No cookie for you!” schtick, who relents? Mom can’t bear the thought of kids not getting the cookie. Dad sadistically eats, in their face, the cookies of naughty kids.I think my way produces tangible results, however, funny thing is, our kids behave under the tutelage of mom. Perhaps better. Hmmmm?

PHOTO and ART of the WEEK: A vase my mother did for me when I was in high school – the Judas Priest!

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July 14, 2011

The Grouchy Chef

Canoeing with the girls on Penn Cove

THE GROUCHY CHEF: There’s a chef in Mukilteo, a Mr. Masumoto, a real life version of the Soup Nazi of Seinfeld fame. The guy loves food and hates

Mom & Ava

Eagle

mankind. Or does he? A while ago my wife and I decided to try him out.

From the Seattle Times:“While this guy makes the Iron Chef look lighthearted, you’ve got to hand it to him. He’s proud enough of his social defect to design his logo around it (tall toque, big frown), put his crotchety motto on his business card (“What you see is what you get!”) and trumpet the grouch factor on bold red signage (“Grouchy Chef, Eat In or Take Out”). But lest you think he’s the Shogun of Schtick, think again: Masumoto means business, and he’s quick to point out that he doesn’t need yours.”

Three Girls in the Kitchen

The Grouchy Chef restaurant had signs in rudimentary English, “No picture no photo no camera!” “I learn very hard to speak English. You make fun my English we talk in my language. We see how good your Japanese.” “I only buy fresh vegetable, meat, and fruit to make good dish. No Costco food!”

Grouchy in my "Grouchy Chef" T-shirt

I noticed these black “Grouchy Chef” T-Shirts, I wanted one, but noticed a sign: T-Shirts Not for Sale! I went to the counter; told Mr. Masumoto that I’d like to pay for the shirt. He said, “Shirt not for sale!” I said, “C’mon.” He said, “Not for sale! Read sign!”

At this moment a customer leant over and whispered, “Take one, they’re free.” And so I did. Mr. Masumoto just ignored me and kept his eyes on the knife.

Kaya Loves Her Guacamole

The menu was European cousine, schnitzel, salmon, rice pilaf, salad with strawberries and gorgonzola, very simple, refreshingly few selections for entrees (a good thing), and all satisfactory. My wife and I ordered and sat. Then this young man and his female companion stood up to leave and pay.

I'm a Happy Chef

As the man waited he started taking pictures of the signs on the wall. Mistake. Mr. Masimoto said, “You read sign? No photo!” The young man shrugged and smirked, and then handed over his money. Mr. Masimoto took the bills and threw them back. ”Get out! I don’t want your money. You get out!” Terry, my wife, said, “I’m scared.”

Ava's Last Day of School

Other signs, though, said that Mr. Masimoto and his family came to America, and that he is proud to be an American. He works hard, and prepares the best food he can. Military personnel who show an I.D. card will get a free meal. My wife and I had a tasty meal and an entertaining experience, although it’s not the place to relax with children. Bottom line: Good and inexpensive food. A rare combo. Ambience on the eccentric side, but nothing wrong with that.

JOKE TIME: What do you call a man who hates giving women backrubs? 

A Massage-ynist.

Artwork of the Month: Another painting by my mother -

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June 9, 2011

1st Annual “First Comic Sitting” Competition

 

The original Sanjay photo has been replaced on grounds of taste, as even this blog has standards. Therefore, instead, here's Grandpa at the ruins of Tulum. Not as funny, perhaps, but classier.

Sanjay with his father and two fathers-in-law, Jim & W. Macy

FIRST COMIC SITTING: Who’s the least funny comic? This blog, using the fore and aftermath of the San-J/Tra-C wedding, honors all those wannabe comedians who think they’re funny because friends and family laugh at their lame jokes. I’ve got news for these clowns: people like to laugh because they like to, not because they have taste. Just look at the success of Friends. Comedy? No. Entertainment? Hardly. Hope for amateur comedians? Definitely.

Grandy and her four granddaughters, introducing new arrival Gemma ala Aunt Melissa and Uncle Danny

I AM NOT FUNNY: Now, before I proceed, I am not a comedian, nor do I aspire to be. This art best left to the professionals. However, I seek quality humor. Unfortunately, even the supposed masters suck. It has been ten years, at least, since Robin Williams told a funny joke, and he was no monkey in a barrel during his best years…Mrs. Doubtfire? Ha ha ha hee hee hoo. Yet, like stated, I certainly am not capable of doing better. My M.O. only demonstrates how failed jokes sometimes are funny. Whether the joke accidental or intentional, laughter always is in the “sense” of the beholder.

Sanjay with Second Best Man Juice Jones

SHOULD HOMOSEXUALS BE ALLOWED TO MARRY? What is all the controversy? The real question should be: Should heterosexuals be allowed to marry? Rife with divorce and infidelity, bozos like Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Sanford, Arnold Scharzenegger, and Eliot Spitzer give ample fodder for the argument that a study should be commissioned to determine whether or not heterosexual marriage should be prohibited. Thus here’s to all those couples who’ve maintained successful marriages, my wife and I, Tra-C and San-J and their recent nuptials, our family’s, and all the couples that, despite the horrors of marriage, and horrors they are, have powered through to enjoy the fruits.

Gia from the balcony

PORN FOR WOMEN: There has been a recent onslaught of sexist books mocking men, not that men are bothered by being ridiculed. Titles like Everything a Man Knows About Women, Everything a Man Thinks About When He Isn’t Thinking About Sex, and so on…the punch line? A book of blank pages. Har har hoo hoo heh heh ho! My knee is turning red because I’m slapping it so hard. And then there are some gruesome stories…here I’d like to warn sensitive readers, you may not want to read further.

Like I Need to Be Funny

Tulum

I’m talking about “faux porn,” especially the new dirty books for women. These rags show men cleaning, cooking, and gardening. Gadzooks! Is this what men need to do to please women? Yikes, yikers, & yikest. However, after reading this article,  What Turns Women On, I discovered that I do have one “kinky” habit. I arrange my books alphabetically, separating fiction and nonfiction, although my wife would trade this for me vacuuming twice a day. Is this what women’s lib has brought on? Whatever happened to women who swooned after men who killed farm animals with their bare hands? Men, we’re screwed in a bad way.

Grandpa Jim just told a joke, see by Kaya and Elliot's faces how funny it was.

THE COMPETITION: Are you ready for the 1st Annual First Comic Sitting Competition? Previously I blogged about comedy & gender (Who’s Funnier? San-J or Christopher Hitchens…or Women?), with solid evidence to back my argument. However, my wife and sister-in-law think they’re funnier than the guys (specifically, me).  Thus, the contest. Sanjay Chopra Winfrey, the favorite, lost, as seen by the photo that was above (Sanjay’s antics will be kept in house, but let’s just say he’s had funnier nights). So the men were represented by Rick “William H. Macy” Newell. His rival? Tracy. Let’s see who can split whose sides:

Gaea, Anu, Jarett, Tonya, San-J, Tra-C, Juice

INTERLUDE: Please remember this is an amateur competition, that being said, Tracy’s joke not so bad, although the theme not too original. Is there an upset in the making? It’s left for Rick “Two Whales Walk into a Bar” Newell to decide. Though Rick knows how to install cabinets, bevel an edge, and use a circular saw, he’s rather shaky with a punch line.

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May 30, 2011

The Tra-C San-J Wedding! Mayan Riviera, Mexico, May, 2011.

The Maids-of-Honor & the Bride

The Wedding Party video above! Anu Anand, Juice Jones, Tonya Goward, Dottie Perkins, Janice Newell, Tracy Perkins…minus groom-to-be Sanjay Chopra. San-J is cooling down after a wild first night that saw him lose some privileges. Ask San-J for details.

The Kids

 
 

Kaya the Flower Girl

 
 
 
 

Best Sister Terry & Best Man Cousin Anu

Bride & Groom

 
 
 
  
 
 

The Wedding Begins

The Little Four

 

 

 

 

 

  

The Big Four

 

 

 

 

 

Eight

The Knot Has Been Tied!

Left to Right: Rick Newell, Janice Newell with Ava & Gia & Kaya Powell, Elliot Perkins-Benson, Juice Jones, Jim Perkins, Dottie Perkins, Caleb Powell, Sanjay Chopra, Tracy Perkins, Terry Powell, Anu Anand, Tonya Goward, Gaea Ray, & Jarett

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May 8, 2011

The T-Ball Experience

Gia on Second Base

ABOVE: Me with doofy ”Bon Jovi” hair doing Walk This Way, January, 1990. 28 seconds.

BELOW: Me in Zimbabwe, with beard, bungeeing off the bridge at Victoria Falls, January, 1998. 1 min. 26 seconds.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! To my wife, mother, sisters, sisters-in-law, and all the mothers out there.

And now…a few photos of Ava and Kaya playing for their T-Ball team, the Catfish.

Easter Egging with Elliot

Though I am the baseball enthusiast, my wife gets credit for signing the girls up for T-Ball. I thought the idea ridiculous, and said it would be better to wait a few years. My reasoning: the girls are cute, but they have no idea about baseball, nor interest. This has been confirmed after the first few games. Despite hours of playing catch they have yet to actually catch a ball mid-air (by chance, a ball once wedged in Ava’s glove, but that doesn’t really count). The concept has yet to sink in, and at home they have to be coerced to throw the ball around, or hit off a tee, namely “hit the tee.” However, to Ava & Gia, T-ball is not baseball so much but playing with friends and running airound, and that…they seem to love. T-ball may only be mock baseball, but for the girls it’s a good first step toward figuring out the national pasttime.

Ava Behind the Plate

Little Catfish

 

Teamwork!

 

 

 

This shot demonstrates Ava's batting skills. Pops takes a picture from the right.

 

Angels in the infield

 

 
 

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April 16, 2011

The Sexist Father vs. the KJR Sports Dorks

 

(Enjoy the above eighteen seconds of Kaya dancing like a maniac, and, for a special treat, a diva-like voice singing at the end!)

Back when I took my daughters to Mariners games...

...this year we will watch the Everett AquaSox

THE SEXIST FATHER vs. THE KJR DORKS: It’s a sad day in Seattle. Forbes magazine has voted our town the most miserable sports city (article) in the country. I can’t disagree. Yet this goes beyond our teams. Seattle sports stations reflect this, and chief culprit is KJR, who’s claim to fame is not a sophisticated take on sports, but rather their (Bigger) Dance. I posted at The Nervous Breakdown about these bozos, and followed it up after a back-and-forth with KJR’s Mike ”Manboobs” Gastineau (The Josh Lueke “Rape,” the Moral Placebo, and the Sad Seattle Sports Scene). 

Grandpa brings over piggy bank money.

Worse, though, the Seattle Mariners boast a roster with a convicted felon (related to sexual assault), and he’s not the only bad seed. There’s no joy in Seattle, so I’ve turned off the Mariners…I hear the Everett AquaSox have a great deal for families.

CONGRATS TO DANNY & MELISSA! My wife’s younger brother, Danny, and his wife, Melissa, gave birth on April 9 to Gemma. Ava & Gia now have a cousin, when they asked how old the baby was, though, they didn’t quite understand one day old. Us: “She’s newborn.” Girls: “Yeah, but how many years old is she?” Us: “No years, it’s minutes, days.” They: “How many years is that?”

SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE TO PISS OFF THE CHINESE: 艾未未(爱未来)万岁!加油艾未未! Mao Zedong is a rotten egg: 毛泽东是坏蛋. 爱未来又酷又棒!

No!

Much better!

WINE FAUX PAS: My wife, after a long day, requested a glass of wine. I grabbed a bottle of red, grabbed a glass with a stem, and poured. Big mistake, when I gave her the glass she said, “Not this glass.” I said, “Duh!” She pointed to the correct glass, without the stem. I said, “Really?” She said, “The essence of the crystal makes the wine taste better!” Word for word, that’s what she said. Well, now I know!

I dug up a song from a group I discovered when I lived in Korea. They sound like Rage Against the Machine, despite the doofy video.  Here’s the Korean Song of the month:

墜落天使

 

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