March 26, 2011

The “Sex-for-Chores” Carrot

MYSTERY: Who's wearing the padded bra?

SEX FOR CHORES: Today’s post balances the usual, nauseatingly cute photos with racy adult humor, and asks: Why do women dangle the sex carrot to get their men to behave? My wife has tried this strategy, and my sister-in-law, Tracy, evidently is training Sanjay, pre-marriage. My advice to the ladies…don’t! Such incentive may work early, but eventually will backfire.

Gia & Cousin Elliot

It's official, I'm now the Rev. Caleb Powell.

What do I mean? I’m talkin’ “sex-for-chores.” Women! Puhhhh-leeeeeeeez. My wife did the do-yardwork/go-shopping/clean-the gutters and I’ll rock-your-world schtick. Long ago I put a stop to this nonsense. Would a man pull this: ”Sweetie, if you cook dinner tonight and vacuum the living room, then I’ll do you.” ??? Yeah, most men agree that sex = good & shopping = bad. But what’s the reciprocal message implied by women? “I hate sex, but I like shopping, so we’ll trade.” ????!! Can you say, “Turned off!” It should be a win-win, right? Of course, on the other hand, the man (me) should perform chores happily just to please the wife…but as for shopping? Never!

春夏秋冬 Four Seasons & Love 愛

A CLUE TO THE MYSTERY: Who’s wearing the padded bra? Hint: It’s not San-J.

THE REVEREND CALEB POWELL: Tracy & San-J marry in May. I will perform the nuptials, and have become ordained. Ever since I got my official ID card from the Universal Life Church, I’m like a kid with a new toy. And not only am I a minister, I’m writing the vows.

VOWS (Spoken with Southern Baptist fury): (Tra-C/San-J), are you sure? Are you really, really, really, really positive, and I’m talkin’ 100%…that you want to spend the rest of your natural life in blissful…or blister-full…matrimony with (him/her)?  You can reconsider, it’s not too late, everyone will understand, so let’s have a drink, revisit next year or whenever. Once again, I ask…are you sure?

Kaya is "TERRY" safe in her car seat.

THE NEW VOCABU-TERRY: My wife, Terry, inspires vernacular (among the ways she moves me). The following words have entered my everyday vocab: HysTERRYcal: Whether it’s pizza, pasta, or potatoes, when my wife tells me that she’s snuck a dollop of mayonaisse into the mix (it happens weekly), I say, ”Gee, that’s hysterrycal.” RheTERRYcal: Typical scenario, I open a beer, take a few drinks, and my wife asks, “Are you having another beer?” I reply, “Are you asking me a rheterrycal question?” HyTERRbolY: Examples of hyterrboly: “There’s nothing worse than too much cream in the coffee.” ”I hate it when there’s laundry on my bed. It’s the most disgusting thing in the entire world.” (Clean laundry, no less!) “Tell me you’re not wearing wool socks with loafers and shorts. That’s going to ruin my weekend.”

Happy Second Birthday, Kaya!

A cross between William H. Macy and Ned Flanders? (See the Powell family on the fridge?)

WILLIAM H. MACY ATTENDS KAYA’S BIRTHDAY! In March our little Kaya turned 2; three days separates her birthday with Pops. We combined parties and lo and behold, there was a surprise appearance by Fargo and Boogie Nights star William H. Macy. Seriously, though, Pops, the ‘stache gives you a Macy flavor, or even Ned Flanders of The Simpsons (actually, any guy with a mustache looks like Ned “okey-dokey” Flanders).

Get ready for the The Bigger Dance (click to see my rant against sexist KJR radio)! And finally, the painting of the month by Beatrice Joan Wilson Powell (My Mom!):

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February 26, 2011

100% of My Children Are Daughters!

Ava & Gia laughing at Kaya's butt!

Ava's cake with her name in Chinese (爱花) and English

74% OF WOMEN WRITERS  & READERS WANT MORE FEMALE BYLINES: According to VIDA: Women in Literary Arts, over 75% of the bylines at Harper’s are male. At the New Yorker, of 612 writers, over 70% (449) are male. The New York Times Book Review comes in with a whopping 80% male. What’s going on? (And shouldn’t it  be WILA, not VIDA?)

Ava & Gia's art, the characters for mom & dad 妈妈 & 爸爸

Dig deeper, VIDA has a guest post by the unique Percival “I-don’t-give-a-damn-what-anyone-thinks-I-write-what-I-want” Everett (a man), implying Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom, were it written by a woman, would probably be considered “chick lit.” Instead, it’s getting mad attention. How can this be? Aren’t women more intelligent? Why are respectable magazines male dominated when women comprise the majority of readers? Could this have anything to do with the fact men are funnier? (See previous blog)

At WIS for the Chinese New Year.

99% OF THIS BLOG’S READERS ARE FRIENDS & FAMILY: Most of you  know I studied Chinese in Taiwan and that our daughters are learning Chinese. In December of 2007 Ava began with Chinese at WIS. In February she celebrated her sixth birthday. Congrats to Ava! (Photo above is 2010, Year of the Tiger, below is 2011, Year of the Rabbit)

CHARLIE SHEEN IS 100% A-HOLE: Need proof that men are the inferior gender? Look no further than Charlie “Dorkbag” Sheen. The bozo’s cerebral capacity lags even bovine brain power. My first Notes post (here) questioned the crappy Two and a Half Men and its A-hole star. Now Charlie “Phallus” Sheen (click here and here for the latest) has gone Mel Gibson.

MY WIFE MAKES ME FEEL 100% YOUNGER: I am a year older than my wife, however, my wife makes me feel younger every day…by starving my ego with cracks like “Act your age” and “Grow up.” Teenagers get more respect…ok, kidding aside, she’s not that bad, however, she does think I play the “struggling artist” card a little too much, and my attempts at “hip” and “cool” don’t mesh with my age. Fortunately, with my wife it’s the opposite, she continues to grow wiser as she looks ever the younger.

February Snow

Shopping...Aaaaaargh!!!!

100% OF FUNNY PIE CHARTS USING THE TERM “VAS DEFERENS” HAVE BEEN CREATED BY JIMMY CHEN:  Check out the Pie Chart of the month, courtesy of Jimmy Chen (male) at 0 Comments.

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Filed under Corny Jokes, Marriage, Politically Incorrect, Sexism, Sexist Stay-at-home Father, Women's Magazines

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January 28, 2011

Who’s Funnier? Sanjay or Christopher Hitchens?…or Women?

 

Is the man in the middle funny?

Are These Women Funny?

“…women don’t need to be funny. Most men, if they can’t make women laugh, they’re out of the evolutionary contest.” – Christopher Hitchens (Video below)

GENDER WARS: Men and women have different funny bones. Women need to laugh, and men need to make women laugh. Do you think I married my wife because she’s a hoot? Let’s observe natural selection at work through the prism of my sis-in-law Tracy and her future groom, Sanjay. In most marriages, the woman laughs at and with the man, and the man makes her laugh. Look at Sanjay, look at Tracy, the eyes don’t lie, who would you put your money on if they both entered Last Comic Standing? (Exceptions that don’t disprove the rule: In my mother-in-law Jan’s marriage, Jan is probably funnier than Pops. Pops, though incredibly cool, wouldn’t go far doing standup. And my father, though I love him dearly, may be the most boring guy on earth. For that matter, most inanimate objects floating in outer space are funnier than my dad.)

TRA-C’s GETTING MARRIED, BUT IS SAN-J REALLY A MAN? This spring my sister-in-law, Tracy, will marry Sanjay. Here’s a little love story.

Who's making who laugh?

Kaya ain't funny, but she's cute!

BLACK FRIDAY: San-J’s a big talker about his B-ball game. When he found out I like to hoop he was all, “Yeah, I love to hoop. Let’s hoop, man, anytime, man.” He invites me to meet and play with his homeys. Somehow, I start playing regularly with them, sans Sanjay. He always has a reason, his knee, or he’s sick, or he has to work…B.S. or not? Turns out he had to see a doctor about his knee. Finally, he’s A-OK, and tells me, “My knee’s good, next time I’m free I’m in!”

Wife & Kaya, notice how they're not being funny.

Sanjay trying to be "cool"...he just looks funny.

Thanksgiving weekend rolls around, Friday he’s not working…and he tells me he’ll go play with my morning crew at the club (as long as he’s not hungover from the Thanksgiving bash). Thanksgiving at our house that evening, Tra-C & San-J crash, next morning at 7 a.m. my wife wakes me to inform that they’re going shopping…it’s Black Friday, the post-Thanksgiving “Shopper’s Holiday.” Go girls go! Cool…but, to my astonishment, Sanjay is also going! Obviously, he’s not hungover. I jolt upright, confront him in the hall, and say, “What the f**k! You’re going shopping with the ladies? What about ball?” He says, “(Mumble mumble mumble)” I say, “Shopping?” He says, “Yeah, I’m doing if for love.” Now, I know what you’re thinking, that I’m exaggerating, that a “man” really didn’t choose shopping over ball, but this is no fiction. What did I say? - ”Sanjay, you are a hermaphrodite.” Sanjay’s humor, evidently, his only masculine trait. And love’s great, yeah yeah yeah, but we’ll see who’s shopping on Black Friday after five years of marriage.

My wife and daughters know how to laugh, they have to, I guess!

SANJAY “GUPTA DEEPAK” CHOPRA: Sanjay was at Safeway, he paid with credit, the checker looked at the ID, and said, “Hey, Sanjay Chopra, I’ve heard that name…that famous surgeon?” Sanjay said, “Nope, that’s Sanjay Gupta.” The checker said, “Then I must be thinking of that Buddha yoga writer.” Sanjay said, “Deepak Chopra.” Sanjay says, “Sh*t like this happens all the time.”

“SHOPPING IS HELL” – JUST A MAN’s OPINION? My wife, Tracy, and Jan went shopping for Tracy’s wedding dress. San-J and I stayed home, looked after the kids, and watched football (San-J’s one of those hermaphrodites that likes football). Hours later my wife called. “Aaaaaarghhhhh!” She cried, “We’ve been here for hours! Tracy keeps saying, ‘I have to try on one more dress!’” I thought, Ah ah!…It’s sort of nice, for once, that my wife sees what I have to endure.

HOT DUDE FUNNY WOMAN: So, one last salvo to the theme of this month’s blog, forgive the redundancy….when was the last time you saw a hunk hooked up with an ordinary woman because of her rip-snorting sense of humor? Men…we may be shallow, but we’re funny.

HITCHENS FAILS TO ADDRESS MONEY & PERSONALITY: A man’s wallet size can compensate for lack of humor. Also, to women’s credit, many are attracted to personality and intelligence. Personality + Intelligence = Funny man. Women may not be funnier, but they’re not as shallow. Check out the Hitchens video below, despite what my sister, Sarah, thinks…it’s funny!

Video of the month: Ava on the Sled!

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Filed under Appearance, Beer, Christopher Hitchens, Corny Jokes, Feminist Issues, Marriage, Sexism, Sexist Stay-at-home Father, shopping

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December 19, 2010

Kaya on the Pot

Kaya stars in this gripping photo collage. Try guessing, by her expression, when she goes potty.

Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot

Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot

Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot Kaya on the pot

Trick question. As great a time as Kaya had, unfortunately, she never went potty. So afterward, dad put on a diaper, and guess what?

Photo of the Month: Aigulle de Midi Bridge

 

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December 15, 2010

A Supposedly Fun Thing the Powell Family Will Do Again

My wife with Ava & Gia in the background

Dad & Kaya, Isla de Ixtapa in the background

San-J on the open seas, heading to la Isla de Ixtapa, Ava w/braids

INCLUSIVE JEST: No joke, the all-inclusive rocks. Ok, as mentioned in an earlier post, as well as in my errant parent essay about the mother who let her son pee in the pool, the Powell family is addicted to the all-inclusive vacation. And this time all my in-laws (except for Danny & Melissa, both hard-working, busy, and expecting baby #1!) came-with: Grandy & Pops, Tra-C & San-J, & nephew Elliot, and we were accompanied by the ghost of a deceased genius, David Foster Wallace…read on.

Tracy & the Huachinango

Just like last year, Dad gets the girls matching henna tattoos

A PASSION FOR SERVICE: These all-inclusives are incredible…relatively cheap, great service, for crying out way too loud I’m passing out free advertisement for ‘em, but if you have a family they kick recumbent butt, the hotels are child friendly with day care (See Youtube Video below). Aaaah, how sweet time without kids can be. However, the entertainment rather odd…exhibit A:  ”A Passion for Service”, a song and dance routine that dragged on for…well, I don’t know how long because I escaped after ten minutes. The dancers rolled suitcases, waited on tables, and did the occasional tap dance…as a couple sat at a stage-prop table shared a bottle of wine. Performance? “A passion”  my ass.

My lovely wife and I

Two couples acting like they're on their honeymoon

A SUPPOSEDLY FUN THING I’LL NEVER DO AGAIN: The brilliant, late David Foster Wallace pencilled a screed for Harper’s magazine, and this became the centerpiece of his collection of essays: A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again. Wallace observed a cruise in the Caribbean and the otiose pursuits of the über-wealthy, and wrote about this experience as an uncomforatble hedonist. I reflected on his take as I guzzled drink upon drink over a vista of ocean & the tropical beauty of Ixtapa, or as I contemplated the nearby ecological preserve’s crocodiles and iguanas, the Mexicans that worked at the resort, or as I wrestled over the implications of the zona hotelera (may the spoils not end up in the hands of those reptilian capitalists). Sure, we (I) acted the tourist, bitching in jest when the bars opened ten minutes late, groaning as I was dragged out to play tequilla volleyball, or becoming accustomed to beer before noon…but we (I) supposed it’d be fun, it was, and we’d (I’d) do it again. 

Grandy & Pops, getting ready for a morning bike ride

Caleb & Pops, sans Grandy, cocodrilos in the background.

NOT QUITE LIKE RIDING A BIKE: One morning Grandy, Pops & I signed up to ride bikes through the ecological preserve. The guide equipped us with safety helmet and vest and gave us our bikes. Grandy works out at a health club weekly and is fit as a stringed instrument, however, when she got on the bike she…uh…wobbled a little here, she bobbled a little there, and as it turned out, for her…riding a bike, evidently, was not “just like riding a bike.” Pops & I went sans Grandy.

YOUTUBE VIDEO of the MONTH: The late night kiddie show at Ixtapa, starring Grandy, my wife, and Tra-C. I hate these things, of course, dumb music, bad influence on the kids (they might grow up thinking life is “fun”), but what the heck…I need to have a sense of humor about this stuff, right? Pardon my redundancy, but I guess I’d do it again.

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November 6, 2010

Hell’s Belles vs. The Tra-C/San-J Group

TRA-C & SAN-J vs. HELL’s BELLES: In October my wife and I traveled to Palm Dessert for an extended weekend without children. Our first time since Ava’s birth that we had more than a 24-hour period alone. We give a big thanks to our babysitters! Mom & dad, mom-in-law & pops, and a big cheer to Aunt Tra-C & San-J…kudos for taking the kids to EMP and rockin’ out! Someday you’ll be able to rock like Hell’s Belles.

BORING WEATHER STORY: (Time & Place) + (Weather expectations, often based on report) + (Normal weather conditions) + (Actual weather…unusual or extreme but so what?) = (Unbeee-effing-lievably boring story)

Weather stories, unless they involve death & destruction, are tedious. Even if they involve death & destruction they are not really weather stories but ”death & destruction” stories featuring weather. So, if I haven’t made the point, weather stories are boring. Thus keep ‘em short.

SHORT WEATHER STORY: November, first week, 70+ degrees, Seattle. Wow! The end. (For long newspaper version, go  here.)

Earlier I posted Hell’s Belles & Hell’s Baseball Team. I recently figured out how to upload videos to Youtube, so here’s Kaya & Dad gettin’ down with “Highway to Hell”. At 0:18 & 1:55-2:07 Kaya gets on camera.

FOR FAMILY: And, while I’m doing the Youtube thing, one last video, from The Nightmare of Glee, a video of Ava’s graduation. The best shot of Gia is at 1:57, and there are a few slides of Ava’s beginning, also, at 2:05:

 

Photo of the Week: Gualeguaychu, Argentina

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October 31, 2010

The End of Summer

Ava pointing to Ava.

Kaya, geez, will you stop the crying?

My lovely wife, Terry, and the girls.

PUMPKINS: After a fine weekend on Whidbey Island with the Grandparents, the Powell family stopped at a Pumpkin patch and did the cute little girls and pumpkin thing, you know…pumpkins pumpkins pumpkins cute cute cute.

Kaya, however, shore don’t like them pumpkin patches, as seen in this “Kaya crying with pumpkin” photo from the very first Notes blog post. Seems like she still has her pumkinphobia.

Play ball!

FAN APPRECIATION: That same morning, by serendipity, while having coffee and pastries at a local cafe, a man approached us and offered tickets to the Seattle Mariners baseball game on the last day of the season, Fan Appreciation Day. All children would get a gift. The seats, too, were prime, on the left field foul line, fifth row. Giddy-up! So we returned to Seattle, I dropped my wife and Kaya at home, and recorded the game.

I remember going to the Kingdome as a kid to Seattle Mariners promotions when they actually gave you something…a baseball bat, a ball, a helmet. Do you know what Ava & Gia got? A cheap Mariner Moose poster. Harumph! I guess the Mariners skimp so they can pay bozos like Milton Bradley and Casey Kotchman. However, despite the awful Mariners play I remain loyal, just as I would with friends and family. I don’t stop loving them because they have a bad year.

Girls with their Mariner Moose Posters during the 7th inning stretch

Gia and the "Baseball Princess"

THE BASEBALL PRINCESS: We arrived late, the game had started, and no sooner did we enter then a ball was hit our way, the ball girl (I told the girls she was a “Baseball Princess”) scooped it up and gave it to another girl in the first row. I told Ava & Gia maybe they could get a ball, and Gia and I went down to talk to the Baseball Princess (Ava was afraid and remained in her seat). The Baseball Princess promised Gia that she’d get the next one. Unfortunately, not one was hit her way the rest of the game. Gia probably asked over 500 times when she would get her ball. Despondent when we left sans ball, she kept asking, but hopefully the cotton candy and other treats pacified. 

Kaya, you love baths, don't you? Now we just gotta cure your fear of pumpkins.

AVA & GIA ON TV: So we get home and I go to the TV and find us on the recording. The girls loved seeing themselves on the screen. Ever since going Hollywood, though, during the baseball playoffs and World Series, Gia thinks she’s on TV somewhere in the crowd, and bombards me with, ”Dad, where are we sitting?” I tell her, “The game’s in New York. We’re not there.” Two minutes later she says, “Dad, where are we sitting?”

KAYA, BATHS, & PUMPKINS: Kaya, like most babies, or at least baby Ava & baby Gia, hated baths. She just cried everytime she got stuck in a tub. But she’s learned to love baths…as the photo on the right shows.

Happy Hallowe’en to All!

Photo of the Month: Khutwa, Oman

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