Monthly Archives: February 2010

February 28, 2010 · 7:23 am

My birthday is four!

Ava's fifth birthday fell on Chinese New Year (The Year of the Tiger). Happy birthday Ava!

Ava at one!

Ava turned five this month. Gia will turn four in June. I told Gia her birthday is in June and she disagreed: “No. My birthday is four!” I said, “No, your age is four. Your birthday is in June.” She repeated, “My birthday is not June, it’s four.” Me: “How old are you?” Gia: “I’m three!” Me: “When’s your birthday?” Gia: “Four!” Me: “No, your birthday is in June…when you turn four.” Gia: “My birthday not June, it’s four!” She can get spitfire angry…geez, women! Gia’s already onto the “right-happy” dichotomy (see Pillow Wars for more on “happy vs. right”). I used every word in our mutual vocabulary to explain the difference, but to no avail…her birthday is four…until the day her birthday is five.

QUESTION of the MONTH: How come it’s called ‘menstruation’ and not ‘womenstruation’? ‘Cause men sure don’t ‘struate’. (More than one woman has told me about MENtal illness and MENopause and how ALL women’s problems begin with MEN.)

What has cute little Kaya done now? The little ball-of-chub has her hand in a drawer and is stuck. Adorable? Not according to my wife: "Caaaay-leb! What's this?" Me: "She's fine." Wife: "No she isn't. Not in a hot pink top and light pink bottom." Seriously. (It's the evil of pink...see post of 1/12/2010 - Pink! The New Evil!)

NO HONEY IN OUR HOUSE: I almost made a major error by giving 11-month old Kaya a bit of honey. My wife charged screaming out of the bathroom when I told her of my insidious breakfast plans: ‘Absolutely no honey until she’s one years old! She could die! You didn’t give her any, did you?’ Instant change of plans. If I’m not supposed to give Kaya honey…by damn, I won’t (see above Pillow Wars), it’s not a battle I’m going to pick, but c’mon…die? Kaya is practically one, literally 0.92 years of age. I cannot fathom how in just one month she will, all of a sudden, be able to consume honey. I’m no authority… the conventional wisdom of dieticians, nutritionists, and doctors trumps mine…but are concerns misplaced? Should a two-month premature baby wait two extra months to eat honey? Can the baby born two weeks late eat honey two weeks earlier?

Anyone for a tasty measuring cup of water and Cheerios? (Gia loves that hat)

BEER vs. WINE: Thanks to my wife I now recognize that a hot dog w/chips is inferior to, say – pork tenderloin, rutebega & turnip gratin, and pernod sauce. Far from becoming a “foodie” (Has anyone else heard this term…I hadn’t before marriage, but I’ve learned a “foodie” is someone who, for example, has at least one Ina Garten cookbook), my tastes and sensitivities toward cuisine have somewhat improved. However, I remain a beer drinker, and thus play the role of unsophisticated dork drinking a PBR while everyone else at the table is sipping syrah or merlot…one of my many strange culinary habits (according to my wife and her family) that also include antipathy toward salad dressing, condiments, and all cruciferous vegetables (the latter pure evil…pink is child’s play compared to cruciferous).

PHOTO of the WEEK: Weird Limo

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Filed under Beer, Feminist Issues, Pillow Wars, Politically Incorrect

February 14, 2010 · 5:54 am

Pillow Wars and the Vajingo Monologues

Is Kaya hungry? Wet diaper? Does she want a nap? No. The reason for her misery comes from an unexpected source.

Far away from those vile pillows, Kaya's mood has changed considerably.

THE UNKNOWN WAR: Why is baby Kaya crying? Does it have anything to do with her proximity to those pillows? Are those pillows toxic? Do they smell? No! They’re elite pillows, and are at the center of one of the lesser known modern conflicts, the Pillow War.

Though my beloved wife is always right, after six plus years of marriage I am still not used to the so-called ‘Decorative Pillow’. What is that? It’s a pillow that is to be looked at and not used. Unbelievable? I thought so. Check this out…You place it at the head of the bed or on the sofa and the fancy little flowers must point to the ceiling and the cutesy little stems must point toward the floor. And at night you throw the pillows on the floor. I’m not joking.

My in-laws often tell me, ‘Would you rather be happy or right?’ Since I’m never right, I’ve decided to shoot for happiness, part of this is making a better than half-ass effort to lose pillow-tude and obey the pillow regulations. Also, I figured this was just a peculiar quirk of my wife, but then I found out she is not the only person in the world who thinks pillows have an intrinsic aesthetic value. Most women (and even a few men…the wimpy metrosexuals!) ascribe to this sort of CHAOS (Cleanliness, Health, Appearance, Order, and Safety).

My lovely wife, cozy and fast asleep, secure in the fact the pillows are on the floor and far removed from my hairy sweaty body.

Girls! You are in BIG BIG trouble!

SEXISM IN CAKE’S LYRICS: Is the hit ‘Short Skirt Long Jacket’ sexist? (See the Cake Video) Or does it just point out a double standard that exists? Namely, that even a high-powered and successful woman has to deal with being a sex symbol. And just what would a feminist think?

KAYA SAVES 34 YEAR-OLD WOMAN: And now a feel-good story. We received word from Swedish Hospital that the stem cells harvested from Kaya during her birth last spring (at the equinox, no less), will be used in a potentially life-saving procedure.

My wife with 3-month-old Kaya.

Aunt Tracy with Ava & her son Elliot

THE VAJINGO MONOLOGUES: Because I’m around women so often they forget I’m there. And thus I get to be the proverbial ‘fly on the wall’. My wife and sister-in-law freely talk, and one word that makes a common appearance is ‘vajingo’. Example, “I still can’t believe a baby ever came out of my vajingo.” (I stopped calling my penis ‘Bob’ after I graduated from high school…unfortunately, it was ten years after)

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

PHOTO of the WEEK: Scarlet Sky.

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Filed under Feminist Issues, Photo of the Week or Month, Politically Incorrect, Safety), Sexism, Sexist Stay-at-home Father

February 7, 2010 · 7:38 am

Adolescent Barflies

Fake I.D. gets Gia into the bar

Ava has asked for a dirty martini. Will she get away with her wascally plan?

THE GROTTO: Over the weekend our family stopped in Leavenworth, a faux Bavarian village in the Cascade mountains. We stayed at The Sleeping Lady, a very nice resort with a great bar, The Grotto. However, they are not too careful about serving alcohol to minors.

Baby Kaya aroused suspicions when she climbed up on the barstool

Dad turned his head for a second, and evidently the girls snuck into The Grotto. They might have been able to pull it off, too, were it not for Kaya.

Dad & Ava

Dad finally arrived to explain the confusion.

TAX SEASON! My wife has already begun to panic. No procrastinator, she wants them done by Valentine’s Day. Or else!

My lovely wife with Ava at The Sleeping Lady spa

MYSTERIOUS POO: The other night I met an acquaintance who told me about his sixteen year-old daughter who completed a project on the Holocaust. It seems unimaginable that our peanuts will someday be that sophisticated. Every other day Ava or Gia leaves a log in the toilet. When I ask who’s the culprit they both deny. Thus I must bring them into the bathroom, present the evidence, and interrogate. I block the entrance and threaten ‘no donuts for a week’ or some other mortifying prospect until one of them flushes.

And now try and FIND THE BABY!

: Find the Baby!

OVER WHAT? UNDER WHO? My wife is a whiz in the corporate world, and has mastered the language. One of her favorite sayings is, “Under promise and over deliver.” I’m still learning after six plus years of marriage. For example, I tell her I’ll make a cup of morning coffee and bring it down to her on the Q.T. Fifteen minutes laters up she comes as I’ve forgotten completely about the coffee. That’s what’s called, “OVER PROMISE & UNDER DELIVER.” (Sorry ’bout that, Terry, love you and I’ll be on it next time…though I still haven’t started on the taxes)

我爱中文酷! And introducing my Chinoku game 我愛中文酷!:

SUPER BOWL PREDICTION: Indianapolis 37 New Orleans 21 (I’m mildly rooting for New Orleans. Also of interest: The Who at halftime, and the Man Crunch vs. Tim Tebow controversy)

PHOTO of the WEEK: Market, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia