Ava turned five this month. Gia will turn four in June. I told Gia her birthday is in June and she disagreed: “No. My birthday is four!” I said, “No, your age is four. Your birthday is in June.” She repeated, “My birthday is not June, it’s four.” Me: “How old are you?” Gia: “I’m three!” Me: “When’s your birthday?” Gia: “Four!” Me: “No, your birthday is in June…when you turn four.” Gia: “My birthday not June, it’s four!” She can get spitfire angry…geez, women! Gia’s already onto the “right-happy” dichotomy (see Pillow Wars for more on “happy vs. right”). I used every word in our mutual vocabulary to explain the difference, but to no avail…her birthday is four…until the day her birthday is five.
QUESTION of the MONTH: How come it’s called ‘menstruation’ and not ‘womenstruation’? ‘Cause men sure don’t ‘struate’. (More than one woman has told me about MENtal illness and MENopause and how ALL women’s problems begin with MEN.)
NO HONEY IN OUR HOUSE: I almost made a major error by giving 11-month old Kaya a bit of honey. My wife charged screaming out of the bathroom when I told her of my insidious breakfast plans: ‘Absolutely no honey until she’s one years old! She could die! You didn’t give her any, did you?’ Instant change of plans. If I’m not supposed to give Kaya honey…by damn, I won’t (see above Pillow Wars), it’s not a battle I’m going to pick, but c’mon…die? Kaya is practically one, literally 0.92 years of age. I cannot fathom how in just one month she will, all of a sudden, be able to consume honey. I’m no authority… the conventional wisdom of dieticians, nutritionists, and doctors trumps mine…but are concerns misplaced? Should a two-month premature baby wait two extra months to eat honey? Can the baby born two weeks late eat honey two weeks earlier?
BEER vs. WINE: Thanks to my wife I now recognize that a hot dog w/chips is inferior to, say – pork tenderloin, rutebega & turnip gratin, and pernod sauce. Far from becoming a “foodie” (Has anyone else heard this term…I hadn’t before marriage, but I’ve learned a “foodie” is someone who, for example, has at least one Ina Garten cookbook), my tastes and sensitivities toward cuisine have somewhat improved. However, I remain a beer drinker, and thus play the role of unsophisticated dork drinking a PBR while everyone else at the table is sipping syrah or merlot…one of my many strange culinary habits (according to my wife and her family) that also include antipathy toward salad dressing, condiments, and all cruciferous vegetables (the latter pure evil…pink is child’s play compared to cruciferous).
PHOTO of the WEEK: Weird Limo
6 responses to “My birthday is four!”
Super funny! I think ur topics are gettIng better every week!:)
But honey is delicious! What’s so bad about it?
Nice joke, btw, how all women’s problems begin with men. Does men mean something else; is it a latin prefix for headaches and horrors? Should erectile dysfunction be labeled womenectile dysfunction to even the playing field? Why is “woman” just man plus “wo”? An illiterate would likely just say, “woah, man.” Is this subconsciously sexualizing the word woman?
Actually, if the honey is raw honey, you should not give it to a child under 2 yrs of age because of samonila (probably spelled wrong). If it is processed store bought honey it should be ok. My hubby is a beekeeper so that is where I’m getting my info. Best thing to do is just ask your child’s doc.
ahhhh, I see.
Thanks, here is an article about honey:
“Although honey seems like a wholesome and natural food to give your infant, don’t do it until after she’s at least 12 months old. Honey can contain spores of a bacterium called Clostridium botulinum, which can germinate in a baby’s immature digestive system and cause infant botulism, a rare but potentially fatal illness.”
So, once again, my inferior male intelligence has been trumped the wisdom of women.
Thanks again for the comments.
Wow! In the marriage gender war, you can’t win. But I’m glad you’re speaking up and taking the heat so I can laugh at your expense. Anyway, I do enjoy your witticisms. Thank you. Scott