Category Archives: Beer

Miss Manthropist! – Photos of Whidbey & Summer Fun

On the deck, Ava, Tracy, Stig, Terry, Gia, Kaya, Sarah, Elliot, Sanjay

Boating on Penn Cove w/girls & Nephew Nikolai

Boring photo explanations:  Allow a brief expanation of the photos. Above, we celebrate the arrival of my sister and bro-in-law. Notice our neighbor’s deck has rails, ours doesn’t, grrrr….another story. The rest of the pictures are of taking the girls to Whidbey Island, Penn Cove, Chinese camp, Ft. Casey & Ft. Ebey, swim camp, and dad shoots himself and a deer. And now, onto this late summer post, replete with the obligatory sexist and dry humor.

The Unnecessary Phone Call:  What is it with women and unnecessary phone calls? One night we called in pizza, and I went to the joint for pick up. As I’m driving home, the phone rings, and it’s Tracy. Conversation:

The girls on first day of camp at 华盛顿国际学校

Tracy:  Hi, where are you?

Caleb:  I’m driving home.

Tracy:  What’s taking so long?

Caleb:  You called to ask me that?

Tracy:  Terry, Sarah, and I are staaaaaarving.

Caleb:  I’m driving. Didn’t you get a ticket for talking on the cell phone? We need a new rule, no more unnecessary calls. See you soon. Bye.

Time for Art!

The girls were lucky I didn’t pull over and eat a few pieces. No matter how impatient anyone gets, the pizza has no chance of arriving earlier as the result of a “where’s-the-pizza” phone call. And, while I’m on topic, my wife will call me mid-drive with three kids in the backseat going bananas, for what? For reminders, for “what are we having for dinner” or “confirmations of weekend plans.” I’ll see you soon, honey! There are men who also call just to “check in” and “chat,” but this bad habit seems to be primarily a female function. I get chatting with an old friend, but not with someone you’re going to see in forty mintues. It’s a busy life, that’s how it is, and when that phone rings there better be something important to talk about.

At Ft. Ebey w/Uncle Sanjay

Mr. Ogyny & Miss Manthropist: In the early days of this blog, I accused my wife and sis-in-law of having a “breastfest.” They said I was a misogynist. I said, “That’s Mr. Ogynist to you.” But women? I guess a woman who hates other women would be guilty of Miss Ogyny. Ha ha ho ho. Misanthropy is hatred of all humanity, but what about a female manhater? The neologism? Mismanthropist.

At Ft. Casey

The Perfect Helix:  On August 15th Mariner Felix Hernandez pitched the first perfect game in Seattle Mariners history. I told my wife, who could have cared less. Despite her being an All-Star first baseman in softball and somewhat athletic in her high school days, she didn’t know what a perfect game was, and didn’t care that Felix threw only the 23rd perfect game in MLB history. Her reply, “Big deal, I don’t even know who Helix Fernandez is.”

Coming back from Ft. Casey the girls shout “Deer!”

“Car-pay dumb” joke not successful: I’m like the Stephen Hawking of humor, there are only three other people in the world that think I’m funny, unfortunately, I don’t know any of these three. So, in the top photo, I’m sitting there with my family, Sarah, Stig, Sanjay, Terry, & kids, and they started talking about my last blog, and I asked if anyone got the Car-Pay Dumb/Carpe Diem joke. Terry said, “It wasn’t funny.” Tracy said, “That’s the problem with your jokes, you have to think for thirty seconds and by the time you get it, it’s not funny.”

With Grandma! 奶奶爱花吉夏恺雅!

1-2 Many Beers: And, as the sun set on a beautiful evening, guys drank beers, and the girls, miss manthropist manhaters that they are, suggested the guys follow the “1-2 Many Beer” Rule.

Namely, you can have one beer, and a second, but any more is “one too many.”

 

Swim Lessons!

TP Compatability:  My wife and I don’t agree on much, but one thing we do see eye-to-eye on is toilet paper placement. Thanks to fellow Coupeville alumi Todd Peddlar for posting the following diagram on Facebook. And, for just mind-boggling eerie, Todd, my wife, and the tissue all go by TP.

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Filed under baseball, Beer, Politically Incorrect

The “Sex-for-Chores” Carrot

MYSTERY: Who’s wearing the padded bra?

SEX FOR CHORES: Today’s post balances the usual, nauseatingly cute photos with racy adult humor, and asks: Why do women dangle the sex carrot to get their men to behave? My wife has tried this strategy, and my sister-in-law, Tracy, evidently is training Sanjay, pre-marriage. My advice to the ladies…don’t! Such incentive may work early, but eventually will backfire.

Gia & Cousin Elliot

It’s official, I’m now the Rev. Caleb Powell.

What do I mean? I’m talkin’ “sex-for-chores.” Women! Puhhhh-leeeeeeeez. My wife did the do-yardwork/go-shopping/clean-the gutters and I’ll rock-your-world schtick. Long ago I put a stop to this nonsense. Would a man pull this: “Sweetie, if you cook dinner tonight and vacuum the living room, then I’ll do you.” Most men agree that sex = good & shopping = bad. But what’s the reciprocal message implied by women? “I hate sex, but I like shopping, so we’ll trade.” Can you say, “Turned off!” It should be a win-win, right? Of course, on the other hand, the man (me) should perform chores happily just to please the wife…but as for shopping? Never!

春夏秋冬 Four Seasons & Love 愛

A CLUE TO THE MYSTERY: Who’s wearing the padded bra? Hint: It’s not San-J.

THE REVEREND CALEB POWELL: Tracy & San-J marry in May. I will perform the nuptials, and have become ordained. Ever since I got my official ID card from the Universal Life Church, I’m like a kid with a new toy. And not only am I a minister, I’m writing the vows.

VOWS (Spoken with Southern Baptist fury): (Tra-C/San-J), are you sure? Are you really, really, really, really positive, and I’m talkin’ 100%…that you want to spend the rest of your natural life in blissful…or blister-full…matrimony with (him/her)?  You can reconsider, it’s not too late, everyone will understand, so let’s have a drink, revisit next year or whenever. Once again, I ask…are you sure?

Kaya is “TERRY” safe in her car seat.

THE NEW VOCABU-TERRY: My wife, Terry, inspires vernacular (among the ways she moves me). The following words have entered my everyday vocab: HysTERRYcal: Whether it’s pizza, pasta, or potatoes, when my wife tells me that she’s snuck a dollop of mayonaisse into the mix (it happens weekly), I say, “Gee, that’s hysterrycal.” RheTERRYcal: Typical scenario, I open a beer, take a few drinks, and my wife asks, “Are you having another beer?” I reply, “Are you asking me a rheterrycal question?” HyTERRbolY: Examples of hyterrboly: “There’s nothing worse than too much cream in the coffee.” “I hate it when there’s laundry on my bed. It’s the most disgusting thing in the entire world.” (Clean laundry, no less!) “Tell me you’re not wearing wool socks with loafers and shorts. That’s going to ruin my weekend.”

Happy Second Birthday, Kaya!

A cross between William H. Macy and Ned Flanders? (See the Powell family on the fridge?)

WILLIAM H. MACY ATTENDS KAYA’S BIRTHDAY! In March our little Kaya turned 2; three days separates her birthday with Pops. We combined parties and lo and behold, there was a surprise appearance by Fargo and Boogie Nights star William H. Macy. Seriously, though, Pops, the ‘stache gives you a Macy flavor, or even Ned Flanders of The Simpsons (actually, any guy with a mustache looks like Ned “okey-dokey” Flanders).

Get ready for the The Bigger Dance (click to see my rant against sexist KJR radio)! And finally, the painting of the month by Beatrice Joan Wilson Powell (My Mom!):

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Filed under Beer, Marriage, Politically Incorrect, shopping, Tracy

Who’s Funnier? Sanjay or Christopher Hitchens?…or Women?

Is the man in the middle funny?

Are These Women Funny?

“…women don’t need to be funny. Most men, if they can’t make women laugh, they’re out of the evolutionary contest.” – Christopher Hitchens (Video below)

GENDER WARS: Men and women have different funny bones. Women need to laugh, and men need to make women laugh. Do you think I married my wife because she’s a hoot? Let’s observe natural selection at work through the prism of my sis-in-law Tracy and her future groom, Sanjay. In most marriages, the woman laughs at and with the man, and the man makes her laugh. Look at Sanjay, look at Tracy, the eyes don’t lie, who would you put your money on if they both entered Last Comic Standing? (Exceptions that don’t disprove the rule: In my mother-in-law Jan’s marriage, Jan is probably funnier than Pops. Pops, though incredibly cool, wouldn’t go far doing standup. And my father, though I love him dearly, may be the most boring guy on earth. For that matter, most inanimate objects floating in outer space are funnier than my dad.)

TRA-C’s GETTING MARRIED, BUT IS SAN-J REALLY A MAN? This spring my sister-in-law, Tracy, will marry Sanjay. Here’s a little love story.

Who’s making who laugh?

Kaya ain’t funny, but she’s cute!

BLACK FRIDAY: San-J’s a big talker about his B-ball game. When he found out I like to hoop he was all, “Yeah, I love to hoop. Let’s hoop, man, anytime, man.” He invites me to meet and play with his homeys. Somehow, I start playing regularly with them, sans Sanjay. He always has a reason, his knee, or he’s sick, or he has to work…B.S. or not? Turns out he had to see a doctor about his knee. Finally, he’s A-OK, and tells me, “My knee’s good, next time I’m free I’m in!”

Wife & Kaya, notice how they’re not being funny.

Sanjay trying to be “cool”…he just looks funny.

Thanksgiving weekend rolls around, Friday he’s not working…and he tells me he’ll go play with my morning crew at the club (as long as he’s not hungover from the Thanksgiving bash). Thanksgiving at our house that evening, Tra-C & San-J crash, next morning at 7 a.m. my wife wakes me to inform that they’re going shopping…it’s Black Friday, the post-Thanksgiving “Shopper’s Holiday.” Go girls go! Cool…but, to my astonishment, Sanjay is also going! Obviously, he’s not hungover. I jolt upright, confront him in the hall, and say, “What the f**k! You’re going shopping with the ladies? What about ball?” He says, “(Mumble mumble mumble)” I say, “Shopping?” He says, “Yeah, I’m doing if for love.” Now, I know what you’re thinking, that I’m exaggerating, that a “man” really didn’t choose shopping over ball, but this is no fiction. What did I say? – “Sanjay, you are a hermaphrodite.” Sanjay’s humor, evidently, his only masculine trait. And love’s great, yeah yeah yeah, but we’ll see who’s shopping on Black Friday after five years of marriage.

My wife and daughters know how to laugh, they have to, I guess!

SANJAY “GUPTA DEEPAK” CHOPRA: Sanjay was at Safeway, he paid with credit, the checker looked at the ID, and said, “Hey, Sanjay Chopra, I’ve heard that name…that famous surgeon?” Sanjay said, “Nope, that’s Sanjay Gupta.” The checker said, “Then I must be thinking of that Buddha yoga writer.” Sanjay said, “Deepak Chopra.” Sanjay says, “Sh*t like this happens all the time.”

“SHOPPING IS HELL” – JUST A MAN’s OPINION? My wife, Tracy, and Jan went shopping for Tracy’s wedding dress. San-J and I stayed home, looked after the kids, and watched football (San-J’s one of those hermaphrodites that likes football). Hours later my wife called. “Aaaaaarghhhhh!” She cried, “We’ve been here for hours! Tracy keeps saying, ‘I have to try on one more dress!'” I thought, Ah ah!…It’s sort of nice, for once, that my wife sees what I have to endure.

HOT DUDE FUNNY WOMAN: So, one last salvo to the theme of this month’s blog, forgive the redundancy….when was the last time you saw a hunk hooked up with an ordinary woman because of her rip-snorting sense of humor? Men…we may be shallow, but we’re funny.

HITCHENS FAILS TO ADDRESS MONEY & PERSONALITY: A man’s wallet size can compensate for lack of humor. Also, to women’s credit, many are attracted to personality and intelligence. Personality + Intelligence = Funny man. Women may not be funnier, but they’re not as shallow. Check out the Hitchens video below, despite what my sister, Sarah, thinks…it’s funny!

Video of the month: Ava on the Sled!

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Filed under Appearance, Beer, Christopher Hitchens, Corny Jokes, Feminist Issues, Marriage, Sexism, Sexist Stay-at-home Father, shopping

The Powell Family Flies to California

Dad flies to California with Ava, Gia, and Kaya the Lap Baby.

Gia spills orange juice on the seat...very funny, Gia!

The Lyngra family w/Ava & Gia. Stig, removed from the boot of the Saudi Moral Police, is relaxing with a glass of wine.

THE POWELL FAMILY FLIES TO CALIFORNIA:  My wife had a business meeting in San Francisco, and thus it made sense to fly separately and meet at La Quinta in Palm Desert. So Dad & kids flew without mom…

DAD GOES FURTHER WITH LESS: Flying to Cal with kids I received no small praise as a ‘brave’ travelin’ dad. My wife, however, calls bullsh*t. She wonders why guys get credit for what comes naturally to a woman. For example, if I’m at a supermarket with three kids I’ll get the frequent ‘Wow’ response from little old ladies. Even my wife’s family, her sister and female cousins (not so much my mother-in-law, but she’s a  little wiser), marvel at my parenting skills. I realize that they are probably being polite, but my wife seems to wonder why she works harder than I, yet I get more ‘Great dads!’ than she gets ‘Super moms!’. When my wife takes all three girls shopping she rarely hears compliments for being a great mom. On the other hand, I’m doing exactly what most women have been doing for ages…and not as well, I might add.

Ava learns...

...to jump into the water almost head first!

BEERCATION: We arrived in La Quinta, near Palm Desert, and met my sister Sarah, her husband Stig, and their son Nikolai. They live in Saudi Arabia, and thus Stig (he’s Norwegian) welcomed a vacation in a country where alcohol is legal (When you get pulled over in Saudi you better blow a zero point zero or you’ll get a DUI). I have no allergies to beer, myself…thus the beer-counting began (actually, my wife’s not too bad…).

Playground in the desert

BEER RULES FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE: Wives – Don’t count beers. These questions should not be asked: How many beers is that? Is that your third beer? Are you having another? Beer nagging compels husbands to disappear for extended periods…and consume more beer. 

Husbands:  Don’t drink too much beer.

My two joys in life, beer & my wife. (Beer, I might add, is a distant #2)

TASTELESS JOKE? OR TASTY JOKE? What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

You know…we really do taste like chicken.

 

The Powell Family & Nephew Nikolai at the Living Desert

SIXTY BUCKS A WATERSLIDE: My wife and I took our three daughters and nephew Nikolai to a waterpark for the sweetheart price of $120. None of the kids went down any of the bigger slides, even the gentle ones evoked terror and tears. So we shelled out $120 to hang out at a fancy swimming pool. We could have stayed at our rental’s pool where the beers were cheaper. Thus dad went down two slides, the Tidal Wave and the Pipeline (that big slide in the photo), just to get his money’s worth.
 
PHOTO of the MONTH: Cat Ba Island, Vietnam

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My birthday is four!

Ava's fifth birthday fell on Chinese New Year (The Year of the Tiger). Happy birthday Ava!

Ava at one!

Ava turned five this month. Gia will turn four in June. I told Gia her birthday is in June and she disagreed: “No. My birthday is four!” I said, “No, your age is four. Your birthday is in June.” She repeated, “My birthday is not June, it’s four.” Me: “How old are you?”  Gia: “I’m three!” Me: “When’s your birthday?” Gia: “Four!” Me: “No, your birthday is in June…when you turn four.” Gia: “My birthday not June, it’s four!” She can get spitfire angry…geez, women! Gia’s already onto the “right-happy” dichotomy (see Pillow Wars for more on “happy vs. right”). I used every word in our mutual vocabulary to explain the difference, but to no avail…her birthday is four…until the day her birthday is five.

QUESTION of the MONTH:  How come it’s called ‘menstruation’ and not ‘womenstruation’?  ‘Cause men sure don’t ‘struate’. (More than one woman has told me about MENtal illness and MENopause and how ALL women’s problems begin with MEN.)

What has cute little Kaya done now? The little ball-of-chub has her hand in a drawer and is stuck. Adorable? Not according to my wife: "Caaaay-leb! What's this?" Me: "She's fine." Wife: "No she isn't. Not in a hot pink top and light pink bottom." Seriously. (It's the evil of pink...see post of 1/12/2010 - Pink! The New Evil!)

NO HONEY IN OUR HOUSE:  I almost made a major error by giving 11-month old Kaya a bit of honey. My wife charged screaming out of the bathroom when I told her of my insidious breakfast plans: ‘Absolutely no honey until she’s one years old! She could die! You didn’t give her any, did you?’  Instant change of plans. If I’m not supposed to give Kaya honey…by damn, I won’t (see above Pillow Wars), it’s not a battle I’m going to pick, but c’mon…die? Kaya is practically one, literally 0.92 years of age. I cannot fathom how in just one month she will, all of a sudden, be able to consume honey. I’m no authority… the conventional wisdom of dieticians, nutritionists, and doctors trumps mine…but are concerns misplaced? Should a two-month premature baby wait two extra months to eat honey? Can the baby born two weeks late eat honey two weeks earlier?

Anyone for a tasty measuring cup of water and Cheerios? (Gia loves that hat)

BEER vs. WINE: Thanks to my wife I now recognize that a hot dog w/chips is inferior to, say – pork tenderloin, rutebega & turnip gratin, and pernod sauce. Far from becoming a “foodie” (Has anyone else heard this term…I hadn’t before marriage, but I’ve learned a “foodie” is someone who, for example, has at least one Ina Garten cookbook), my tastes and sensitivities toward cuisine have somewhat improved. However, I remain a beer drinker, and thus play the role of unsophisticated dork drinking a PBR while everyone else at the table is sipping syrah or merlot…one of my many strange culinary habits (according to my wife and her family) that also include antipathy toward salad dressing, condiments, and all cruciferous vegetables (the latter pure evil…pink is child’s play compared to cruciferous).

PHOTO of the WEEK:  Weird Limo

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Filed under Beer, Feminist Issues, Pillow Wars, Politically Incorrect

Adolescent Barflies

 

Fake I.D. gets Gia into the bar

Ava has asked for a dirty martini. Will she get away with her wascally plan?

THE GROTTO:  Over the weekend our family stopped in Leavenworth, a faux Bavarian village in the Cascade mountains. We stayed at The Sleeping Lady, a very nice resort with a great bar, The Grotto. However, they are not too careful about serving alcohol to minors.

Baby Kaya aroused suspicions when she climbed up on the barstool

Dad turned his head for a second, and evidently the girls snuck into The Grotto. They might have been able to pull it off, too, were it not for Kaya.

Dad & Ava

Dad finally arrived to explain the confusion.

TAX SEASON! My wife has already begun to panic. No procrastinator, she wants them done by Valentine’s Day. Or else!

My lovely wife with Ava at The Sleeping Lady spa

MYSTERIOUS POO:  The other night I met an acquaintance who told me about his sixteen year-old daughter who completed a project on the Holocaust. It seems unimaginable that our peanuts will someday be that sophisticated. Every other day Ava or Gia leaves a log in the toilet. When I ask who’s the culprit they both deny. Thus I must bring them into the bathroom, present the evidence, and interrogate. I block the entrance and threaten ‘no donuts for a week’ or some other mortifying prospect until one of them flushes.

And now try and FIND THE BABY!

Find the Baby!

OVER WHAT? UNDER WHO? My wife is a whiz in the corporate world, and has mastered the language. One of her favorite sayings is, “Under promise and over deliver.” I’m still learning after six plus years of marriage. For example, I tell her I’ll make a cup of morning coffee and bring it down to her on the Q.T. Fifteen minutes laters up she comes as I’ve forgotten completely about the coffee. That’s what’s called, “OVER PROMISE & UNDER DELIVER.”  (Sorry ’bout that, Terry, love you and I’ll be on it next time…though I still haven’t started on the taxes)

我爱中文酷! And introducing my Chinoku game 我愛中文酷!:

Chinoku: The Original Chinese Sudoku Game

 

SUPER BOWL PREDICTION: Indianapolis 37 New Orleans 21 (I’m mildly rooting for New Orleans. Also of interest: The Who at halftime, and the Man Crunch vs. Tim Tebow controversy)

PHOTO of the WEEK: Market, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia

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Filed under Beer, Mysterious Poo, Photo of the Week or Month, Sexist Stay-at-home Father, Sports