Category Archives: Christopher Hitchens

Can Women Enjoy the “Bingo” Superbowl?

Are These Ladies Miserable?

Three bottles of wine...

Tracy & Terry/Beer vs. Wine: Would a man open a beer, find it unpalatable, dump out half, and open another? Not if he’s a man. A man knows how to commit to a beer. But when it comes to women and wine…whole different tale. They can open a $10+ bottle, sip, crinkle nose, and open another. The other day Tracy came over to dine with Terry and me, and at the end of the night the score was as follows:

Shirley Temples

Man: Three cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Estimated cost – $3

Two women: Three bottles of wine, two unfinished. Estimated cost – $35

Birthday Cake!

Paternity Test Breast Fest: Evidently, the wine got into the ladies, because they started talking about paternity and so forth, and there I was, a husband-on-the-wall, listening in. All kidding aside, my wife assured me that I was, indeed, the father of my daughters, and then she reflected: “But how do I know I’m really the mother?”

Halftime Show!

Game Time!

Most Girls Don’t Dig the Superbowl: Last year the family watched the Superbowl at Sanjay and Tracy’s house. As could be expected, the men watched the game while the women drank wine and chatted in the kitchen. Exactly how it should be. You’d think we had a great time, right?

Women "watching" the Superbowl

Wrong: Not according to my wife. This year, on the night Tracy and Terry wasted wine, Tracy told me that they were going to have a “Bingo” bet on the Superbowl. I’m not sure what this type of wager’s really called, and I don’t care, but the gist is people pick numbers and if the score at the end of the quarter or game ends on the last digits, you win. Basically, you hope for random chance. The idea was this would interest the women. I told them, “No thanks.” Tracy thought I was a traitor. Terry said, “We’re doing this because last year you guys didn’t pay attention to us and just watched the game. We ladies had a miserable time.” (See previous post about “HyTERRbolY“) So this year everyone put money into “Bingo” Superbowl except me. Rather than get the girls interested it just made for annoying interruptions about, “Let’s see, first quarter score is 9-0, let’s see who has a 9 and…blah bore-biddy blah…” As you can see from the photo above, even with the excitement of “Bingo” Superbowl, the girls didn’t give two poops about the game.

The Chuckles: Father and Son

Pops and the Patriots

Why Not? Sanjay, as mentioned in a previous blog (Who’s Funnier? Sanjay or Christopher Hitchens?…or Women?), is funny, and after meeting his father, Chetan Chopra, I discovered “why.” We’re sitting down to watch the Superbowl and I ask Uncle-in-law Chetan, “So, who’s your team?” He says, “New England.” I say, “Why?” He says, “Many wars have been started because of people asking why.” Huh? Sanjay’s humor, obviously, has been finely honed as a result of growing up amidst non-sequitors.

Lil' Deng Xiaoping 小鄧小平

Asperger’s:  Ever since reading Greg Olear’s Fathermucker, a book about a stay-at-home father whose son has Asperger’s, my wife seems to think she has figured out what’s wrong with me. She says, “Check it out, it says Asperger’s syndrome means you have difficulty focusing and paying attention. That’s you!” I said, “Can’t be. I have empathy.” She said, “Well, perhaps you have partial Asperger’s, otherwise known as Pain-in-the-Assperger’s.”

Ava Turns Seven! Benihana (红花)

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Filed under Christopher Hitchens, Fathermucker

Who’s Funnier? Sanjay or Christopher Hitchens?…or Women?

Is the man in the middle funny?

Are These Women Funny?

“…women don’t need to be funny. Most men, if they can’t make women laugh, they’re out of the evolutionary contest.” – Christopher Hitchens (Video below)

GENDER WARS: Men and women have different funny bones. Women need to laugh, and men need to make women laugh. Do you think I married my wife because she’s a hoot? Let’s observe natural selection at work through the prism of my sis-in-law Tracy and her future groom, Sanjay. In most marriages, the woman laughs at and with the man, and the man makes her laugh. Look at Sanjay, look at Tracy, the eyes don’t lie, who would you put your money on if they both entered Last Comic Standing? (Exceptions that don’t disprove the rule: In my mother-in-law Jan’s marriage, Jan is probably funnier than Pops. Pops, though incredibly cool, wouldn’t go far doing standup. And my father, though I love him dearly, may be the most boring guy on earth. For that matter, most inanimate objects floating in outer space are funnier than my dad.)

TRA-C’s GETTING MARRIED, BUT IS SAN-J REALLY A MAN? This spring my sister-in-law, Tracy, will marry Sanjay. Here’s a little love story.

Who’s making who laugh?

Kaya ain’t funny, but she’s cute!

BLACK FRIDAY: San-J’s a big talker about his B-ball game. When he found out I like to hoop he was all, “Yeah, I love to hoop. Let’s hoop, man, anytime, man.” He invites me to meet and play with his homeys. Somehow, I start playing regularly with them, sans Sanjay. He always has a reason, his knee, or he’s sick, or he has to work…B.S. or not? Turns out he had to see a doctor about his knee. Finally, he’s A-OK, and tells me, “My knee’s good, next time I’m free I’m in!”

Wife & Kaya, notice how they’re not being funny.

Sanjay trying to be “cool”…he just looks funny.

Thanksgiving weekend rolls around, Friday he’s not working…and he tells me he’ll go play with my morning crew at the club (as long as he’s not hungover from the Thanksgiving bash). Thanksgiving at our house that evening, Tra-C & San-J crash, next morning at 7 a.m. my wife wakes me to inform that they’re going shopping…it’s Black Friday, the post-Thanksgiving “Shopper’s Holiday.” Go girls go! Cool…but, to my astonishment, Sanjay is also going! Obviously, he’s not hungover. I jolt upright, confront him in the hall, and say, “What the f**k! You’re going shopping with the ladies? What about ball?” He says, “(Mumble mumble mumble)” I say, “Shopping?” He says, “Yeah, I’m doing if for love.” Now, I know what you’re thinking, that I’m exaggerating, that a “man” really didn’t choose shopping over ball, but this is no fiction. What did I say? – “Sanjay, you are a hermaphrodite.” Sanjay’s humor, evidently, his only masculine trait. And love’s great, yeah yeah yeah, but we’ll see who’s shopping on Black Friday after five years of marriage.

My wife and daughters know how to laugh, they have to, I guess!

SANJAY “GUPTA DEEPAK” CHOPRA: Sanjay was at Safeway, he paid with credit, the checker looked at the ID, and said, “Hey, Sanjay Chopra, I’ve heard that name…that famous surgeon?” Sanjay said, “Nope, that’s Sanjay Gupta.” The checker said, “Then I must be thinking of that Buddha yoga writer.” Sanjay said, “Deepak Chopra.” Sanjay says, “Sh*t like this happens all the time.”

“SHOPPING IS HELL” – JUST A MAN’s OPINION? My wife, Tracy, and Jan went shopping for Tracy’s wedding dress. San-J and I stayed home, looked after the kids, and watched football (San-J’s one of those hermaphrodites that likes football). Hours later my wife called. “Aaaaaarghhhhh!” She cried, “We’ve been here for hours! Tracy keeps saying, ‘I have to try on one more dress!'” I thought, Ah ah!…It’s sort of nice, for once, that my wife sees what I have to endure.

HOT DUDE FUNNY WOMAN: So, one last salvo to the theme of this month’s blog, forgive the redundancy….when was the last time you saw a hunk hooked up with an ordinary woman because of her rip-snorting sense of humor? Men…we may be shallow, but we’re funny.

HITCHENS FAILS TO ADDRESS MONEY & PERSONALITY: A man’s wallet size can compensate for lack of humor. Also, to women’s credit, many are attracted to personality and intelligence. Personality + Intelligence = Funny man. Women may not be funnier, but they’re not as shallow. Check out the Hitchens video below, despite what my sister, Sarah, thinks…it’s funny!

Video of the month: Ava on the Sled!

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Filed under Appearance, Beer, Christopher Hitchens, Corny Jokes, Feminist Issues, Marriage, Sexism, Sexist Stay-at-home Father, shopping