Category Archives: Corny Jokes

Dyslexics Untie!

Happy 4th Kaya!

Happy 4th Kaya!

Aunts

Aunts

Mom & Kaya

Mom & Kaya

Boring in Life? I’m talking to Tracy, and she asked me why I’m so much funnier in my blog than in life. Good question.

Bad-ass Lasagna

Bad Ass Lasagna

Ch"ugh"-E-Cheese

Ch”ugh”-E-Cheese

A Tracy and a Terry Walk into a Room:  I’m hanging with wife Terry and sis-in-law Tracy and they’re in an unusually foul mood. I say, “I see it must be that time of month. That reminds me of a joke.” Terry loses her cool and says, “PMS jokes are not funny! Period!”

Fort time!

Fort time!

Kid fun

Kid fun

My efforts at apology were not going anywhere, and then my wife said, “My mood has nothing to do with PMS, I think I have a bladder infection.”

I replied, “Well, then, I think urine trouble.”

Eight-year-old Ava gets into the Act: Ava decided to turn on the humor. Unfortunately, though women are superior to men in most aspects, humor ain’t one of them. See: Women Just Ain’t Funny.

Cousins!

Cousins!

Ava:  Knock knock?

Dad:  Who’s there?

Ava:  Banana.

Dad:  Banana who?

Ava:  A banana is waiting for you to say orange.

Morning

Morning

Afternoon

Afternoon

Intermission:  Sun and snow in one day – the first days of spring we woke up to snow, but by afternoon it was gone. See pictures on right and left.

A Dyslexic Walks Into a Bra…and for the grand finale: I got my medical documents back and they messed up. They said I have Type A blood, but it was actually a Type O…ba-ba-boo-ya!

Uncle Sanjay on Penn Cove

Uncle Sanjay on Penn Cove

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A Fine Sense of Humor

Before the Father-Daughter Dance

Before the Father-Daughter Dance

Tracy w/ex Portland Blazer Bill Walton...or is it my Father-in-law?

Tracy w/ex Portland Blazer Bill Walton…or is it my Father-in-law?

Goin' Dancing!

Goin’ Dancing!

Anatomy of a Joke:  Recently San-J, Tra-C, my wife, and I had dinner. Conversation drifted to my sense of humor/sense of hammer from my recent blog. They called me corny! Corny? I had to lay more humor down, explaining the formula joke, a common theme used and misused by the comedian…I started with why Arabic food cracks me up…because of my sense of hummus.

Happy 8th B-Day Ava!

Happy 8th B-Day Ava!

From one joke many:  I’m in overdrive, and posit, “Why does Tracy dig it when people talk about her? Her excellent sense of rumor.” Tracy said, “I don’t get it.” The back & forth trumped the joke, and she still said she didn’t get it. Then I waxed, “You hear about the grumpy oncologist who was fired? He had no sense of tumor.” More: “Why do the Superbowl halftime guys put up with that ex-Bengal QB? Because they have a good sense of Boomer.” The eyes kept rolling. Finally San-J said, “You know what I think of your jokes?”And he let out a big gasser, exhibiting his own scent of humor.

三朵金花!

三朵金花!

Mom & Gia Skating

Mom & Gia Skating

Subtle Man: So I’m going to a respectable function and my wife says, “You’re not wearing that T-shirt, are you?” I retreat to the bedroom, throw on a collared shirt, and head out, but my wife notices the T underneath. She says, “I see you didn’t take it off.” I said, “It’s what I call my subtle-T!”

I'm a Rainbow Warrior

I’m a Rainbow Warrior

From our balcony in Waikiki

From our balcony in Waikiki

Sad Ava: Bedtime. We send Ava to get a book to read, and she somehow gets a hold of the wrong one:  Go the F*ck to Sleep. Mom says no way. I second it. Ava starts crying because we won’t let her read the book. And in an ironic and predictable twist, guess what mom and dad were thinking?

Sister's family in Hawaii

Sister’s family in Hawaii

Min & Somjait's house with my wife w/niece & nephew

Min & Somjait’s house with my wife w/niece & nephew

It Just Gets Worse:  And a grand finale. My wife sees me as a glass not just half empty, but almost completely empty. She excessively badgers me and I had enough. I lost it and said, “I can’t stand your nagitivity!” Ba-ba-baaa-Boom!

Trail to Diamond Head

Trail to Diamond Head

Waianae, outside my sister's house.

Waianae, outside my sister’s house.

OK, the above joke is fiction, my wife’s great, we just got back from Hawaii (where my sister Min lives with husband & three kids) and a kid-free vacation (except for my sister’s varmints). Enjoy pictures of the Father-Daughter Dance, Ava’s birthday, and Oahu.

Video of the Month: Remember when Tracy got her PhD in Hair in my blog Hair Science? Now she’s doing promo for her salon! See Tra-C in  Fun Kuts, with a cameo by San-J and his scent of humor.

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1st Annual “First Comic Sitting” Competition

 

The original Sanjay photo has been replaced on grounds of taste, as even this blog has standards. Therefore, instead, here's Grandpa at the ruins of Tulum. Not as funny, perhaps, but classier.

Sanjay with his father and two fathers-in-law, Jim & W. Macy

FIRST COMIC SITTING: Who’s the least funny comic? This blog, using the fore and aftermath of the San-J/Tra-C wedding, honors all those wannabe comedians who think they’re funny because friends and family laugh at their lame jokes. I’ve got news for these clowns: people like to laugh because they like to, not because they have taste. Just look at the success of Friends. Comedy? No. Entertainment? Hardly. Hope for amateur comedians? Definitely.

Grandy and her four granddaughters, introducing new arrival Gemma ala Aunt Melissa and Uncle Danny

I AM NOT FUNNY: Now, before I proceed, I am not a comedian, nor do I aspire to be. This art best left to the professionals. However, I seek quality humor. Unfortunately, even the supposed masters suck. It has been ten years, at least, since Robin Williams told a funny joke, and he was no monkey in a barrel during his best years…Mrs. Doubtfire? Ha ha ha hee hee hoo. Yet, like stated, I certainly am not capable of doing better. My M.O. only demonstrates how failed jokes sometimes are funny. Whether the joke accidental or intentional, laughter always is in the “sense” of the beholder.

Sanjay with Second Best Man Juice Jones

SHOULD HOMOSEXUALS BE ALLOWED TO MARRY? What is all the controversy? The real question should be: Should heterosexuals be allowed to marry? Rife with divorce and infidelity, bozos like Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Sanford, Arnold Scharzenegger, and Eliot Spitzer give ample fodder for the argument that a study should be commissioned to determine whether or not heterosexual marriage should be prohibited. Thus here’s to all those couples who’ve maintained successful marriages, my wife and I, Tra-C and San-J and their recent nuptials, our family’s, and all the couples that, despite the horrors of marriage, and horrors they are, have powered through to enjoy the fruits.

Gia from the balcony

PORN FOR WOMEN: There has been a recent onslaught of sexist books mocking men, not that men are bothered by being ridiculed. Titles like Everything a Man Knows About Women, Everything a Man Thinks About When He Isn’t Thinking About Sex, and so on…the punch line? A book of blank pages. Har har hoo hoo heh heh ho! My knee is turning red because I’m slapping it so hard. And then there are some gruesome stories…here I’d like to warn sensitive readers, you may not want to read further.

Like I Need to Be Funny

Tulum

I’m talking about “faux porn,” especially the new dirty books for women. These rags show men cleaning, cooking, and gardening. Gadzooks! Is this what men need to do to please women? Yikes, yikers, & yikest. However, after reading this article,  What Turns Women On, I discovered that I do have one “kinky” habit. I arrange my books alphabetically, separating fiction and nonfiction, although my wife would trade this for me vacuuming twice a day. Is this what women’s lib has brought on? Whatever happened to women who swooned after men who killed farm animals with their bare hands? Men, we’re screwed in a bad way.

Grandpa Jim just told a joke, see by Kaya and Elliot's faces how funny it was.

THE COMPETITION: Are you ready for the 1st Annual First Comic Sitting Competition? Previously I blogged about comedy & gender (Who’s Funnier? San-J or Christopher Hitchens…or Women?), with solid evidence to back my argument. However, my wife and sister-in-law think they’re funnier than the guys (specifically, me).  Thus, the contest. Sanjay Chopra Winfrey, the favorite, lost, as seen by the photo that was above (Sanjay’s antics will be kept in house, but let’s just say he’s had funnier nights). So the men were represented by Rick “William H. Macy” Newell. His rival? Tracy. Let’s see who can split whose sides:

Gaea, Anu, Jarett, Tonya, San-J, Tra-C, Juice

INTERLUDE: Please remember this is an amateur competition, that being said, Tracy’s joke not so bad, although the theme not too original. Is there an upset in the making? It’s left for Rick “Two Whales Walk into a Bar” Newell to decide. Though Rick knows how to install cabinets, bevel an edge, and use a circular saw, he’s rather shaky with a punch line.

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100% of My Children Are Daughters!

Ava & Gia laughing at Kaya’s butt!

Ava’s cake with her name in Chinese (爱花) and English

74% OF WOMEN WRITERS  & READERS WANT MORE FEMALE BYLINES: According to VIDA: Women in Literary Arts, over 75% of the bylines at Harper’s are male. At the New Yorker, of 612 writers, over 70% (449) are male. The New York Times Book Review comes in with a whopping 80% male. What’s going on? (And shouldn’t it  be WILA, not VIDA?)

Ava & Gia’s art, the characters for mom & dad 妈妈 & 爸爸

Dig deeper, VIDA has a guest post by the unique Percival “I-don’t-give-a-damn-what-anyone-thinks-I-write-what-I-want” Everett (a man), implying Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom, were it written by a woman, would probably be considered “chick lit.” Instead, it’s getting mad attention. How can this be? Aren’t women more intelligent? Why are respectable magazines male dominated when women comprise the majority of readers? Could this have anything to do with the fact men are funnier? (See previous blog)

At WIS for the Chinese New Year.

99% OF THIS BLOG’S READERS ARE FRIENDS & FAMILY: Most of you  know I studied Chinese in Taiwan and that our daughters are learning Chinese. In December of 2007 Ava began with Chinese at WIS. In February she celebrated her sixth birthday. Congrats to Ava! (Photo above is 2010, Year of the Tiger, below is 2011, Year of the Rabbit)

CHARLIE SHEEN IS 100% A-HOLE: Need proof that men are the inferior gender? Look no further than Charlie “Dorkbag” Sheen. The bozo’s cerebral capacity lags even bovine brain power. My first Notes post (here) questioned the crappy Two and a Half Men and its A-hole star. Now Charlie “Phallus” Sheen (click here and here for the latest) has gone Mel Gibson.

MY WIFE MAKES ME FEEL 100% YOUNGER: I am a year older than my wife, however, my wife makes me feel younger every day…by starving my ego with cracks like “Act your age” and “Grow up.” Teenagers get more respect…ok, kidding aside, she’s not that bad, however, she does think I play the “struggling artist” card a little too much, and my attempts at “hip” and “cool” don’t mesh with my age. Fortunately, with my wife it’s the opposite, she continues to grow wiser as she looks ever the younger.

February Snow

Shopping…Aaaaaargh!!!!

100% OF FUNNY PIE CHARTS USING THE TERM “VAS DEFERENS” HAVE BEEN CREATED BY JIMMY CHEN:  Check out the Pie Chart of the month, courtesy of Jimmy Chen (male) at 0 Comments.

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Filed under Corny Jokes, Marriage, Politically Incorrect, Sexism, Sexist Stay-at-home Father, Women's Magazines

Who’s Funnier? Sanjay or Christopher Hitchens?…or Women?

Is the man in the middle funny?

Are These Women Funny?

“…women don’t need to be funny. Most men, if they can’t make women laugh, they’re out of the evolutionary contest.” – Christopher Hitchens (Video below)

GENDER WARS: Men and women have different funny bones. Women need to laugh, and men need to make women laugh. Do you think I married my wife because she’s a hoot? Let’s observe natural selection at work through the prism of my sis-in-law Tracy and her future groom, Sanjay. In most marriages, the woman laughs at and with the man, and the man makes her laugh. Look at Sanjay, look at Tracy, the eyes don’t lie, who would you put your money on if they both entered Last Comic Standing? (Exceptions that don’t disprove the rule: In my mother-in-law Jan’s marriage, Jan is probably funnier than Pops. Pops, though incredibly cool, wouldn’t go far doing standup. And my father, though I love him dearly, may be the most boring guy on earth. For that matter, most inanimate objects floating in outer space are funnier than my dad.)

TRA-C’s GETTING MARRIED, BUT IS SAN-J REALLY A MAN? This spring my sister-in-law, Tracy, will marry Sanjay. Here’s a little love story.

Who’s making who laugh?

Kaya ain’t funny, but she’s cute!

BLACK FRIDAY: San-J’s a big talker about his B-ball game. When he found out I like to hoop he was all, “Yeah, I love to hoop. Let’s hoop, man, anytime, man.” He invites me to meet and play with his homeys. Somehow, I start playing regularly with them, sans Sanjay. He always has a reason, his knee, or he’s sick, or he has to work…B.S. or not? Turns out he had to see a doctor about his knee. Finally, he’s A-OK, and tells me, “My knee’s good, next time I’m free I’m in!”

Wife & Kaya, notice how they’re not being funny.

Sanjay trying to be “cool”…he just looks funny.

Thanksgiving weekend rolls around, Friday he’s not working…and he tells me he’ll go play with my morning crew at the club (as long as he’s not hungover from the Thanksgiving bash). Thanksgiving at our house that evening, Tra-C & San-J crash, next morning at 7 a.m. my wife wakes me to inform that they’re going shopping…it’s Black Friday, the post-Thanksgiving “Shopper’s Holiday.” Go girls go! Cool…but, to my astonishment, Sanjay is also going! Obviously, he’s not hungover. I jolt upright, confront him in the hall, and say, “What the f**k! You’re going shopping with the ladies? What about ball?” He says, “(Mumble mumble mumble)” I say, “Shopping?” He says, “Yeah, I’m doing if for love.” Now, I know what you’re thinking, that I’m exaggerating, that a “man” really didn’t choose shopping over ball, but this is no fiction. What did I say? – “Sanjay, you are a hermaphrodite.” Sanjay’s humor, evidently, his only masculine trait. And love’s great, yeah yeah yeah, but we’ll see who’s shopping on Black Friday after five years of marriage.

My wife and daughters know how to laugh, they have to, I guess!

SANJAY “GUPTA DEEPAK” CHOPRA: Sanjay was at Safeway, he paid with credit, the checker looked at the ID, and said, “Hey, Sanjay Chopra, I’ve heard that name…that famous surgeon?” Sanjay said, “Nope, that’s Sanjay Gupta.” The checker said, “Then I must be thinking of that Buddha yoga writer.” Sanjay said, “Deepak Chopra.” Sanjay says, “Sh*t like this happens all the time.”

“SHOPPING IS HELL” – JUST A MAN’s OPINION? My wife, Tracy, and Jan went shopping for Tracy’s wedding dress. San-J and I stayed home, looked after the kids, and watched football (San-J’s one of those hermaphrodites that likes football). Hours later my wife called. “Aaaaaarghhhhh!” She cried, “We’ve been here for hours! Tracy keeps saying, ‘I have to try on one more dress!'” I thought, Ah ah!…It’s sort of nice, for once, that my wife sees what I have to endure.

HOT DUDE FUNNY WOMAN: So, one last salvo to the theme of this month’s blog, forgive the redundancy….when was the last time you saw a hunk hooked up with an ordinary woman because of her rip-snorting sense of humor? Men…we may be shallow, but we’re funny.

HITCHENS FAILS TO ADDRESS MONEY & PERSONALITY: A man’s wallet size can compensate for lack of humor. Also, to women’s credit, many are attracted to personality and intelligence. Personality + Intelligence = Funny man. Women may not be funnier, but they’re not as shallow. Check out the Hitchens video below, despite what my sister, Sarah, thinks…it’s funny!

Video of the month: Ava on the Sled!

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Filed under Appearance, Beer, Christopher Hitchens, Corny Jokes, Feminist Issues, Marriage, Sexism, Sexist Stay-at-home Father, shopping

Hair Science

Master (or Mistress?) Hair Stylist Aunt Tracy and the girls

Tracy performing hair surgery

WHAT DID THE BRAIN SURGEON SAY TO THE ROCKET SCIENTIST? Answer:  You know, it doesn’t take a hair stylist to figure this out.

More Tracy

Ava and Gia recently were the subjects of an artistic study undertaken by Aunt Tracy, my wife’s younger sister. She wants to graduate as a hair stylist from the elite Northwest Hair Academy (this coming from a guy with no hair and no job). To reach the upper echelons of cosmetology she must master the aesthetics of dye, chemistry, color profiles, parrafin wax, and creative foil. Will she earn her PhD (Philosophy of Hair Development)? Can she enter the H.I.T. (Hair Institute of Technology)?

Tracy and the girls at the hallowed halls of hair

NEXT CORNY JOKE: Anyway, the other day I talked to my psychiatrist and became enraged because he told me I have an ‘anal-oral fixation’…So I told him to kiss my ass.

DANCING WITH A Wii: Against sanity my wife bought a Wii. Another time-wasting gadget. We hosted a party, and after the kids went to sleep we adults started dancing to M.C. Hammer’s ‘Can’t Touch This’ and Blondie’s ‘Heart of Glass’. Alright, it wasn’t hell, I’ll concede. But this brought up reminiscences of high school. For us guys (or myself), one brush against breast while slow dancing at a Junior High gala produced three weeks of bliss. Now, in my forties, one night of passion is forgotten the next day. Oh, to be young again! (Anyone remember how, during Hotel California, everyone on the dance floor didn’t know whether to slow or fast dance?)

Ava & Gia kneading pizza dough

LAST CORNY JOKE: I went back to the psychiatrist and told him about how I could not eat anything but spaghetti or fettuccine or ravioli because, as a kid, we always ate Italian food. It gave such fond memories that any other food left me wanting. He told me, ‘You have to stop living in the pasta.’

And with that, here’s the…

PHOTO of the WEEK:  Aarhus, Denmark

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