Category Archives: Disney

Diapers and Double Standards

BOWLING AT EBEY BOWL on WHIDBEY ISLAND (with Gia rolling and Sarah, Stig, Nikolai, Ava, Kaya, and Terry looking on):

Uncle San-J, Gia & Elliot

Uncle San-J & Aunt Tra-C & Ava

THE END of DIAPERS: Like billions of parents, my wife & I have reached a milestone. Third daughter Kaya (Kaya on the Pot) is potty trained. Which means, after six and a half years of diapers, we’re done. After a couple of weeks of cold butt, namely, clothes off and icy shower for every accident, Kaya learned. Cruel? No. Effective? You bet.

Grandy, Ava, San-J & Tra-C

THE MONROE STATE FAIR YANG-YANG: This year my wife talked me into going to the Monroe State Fair. Usually she takes sister Tracy and the kids, giving me a win-win, or in the Daoist tradition, a yin-yin, as I escape the Fair and get a day to myself. But not this year.  So what’s the Monroe State Fair like? Think Disneyland but shorter. That’s a yang-yang. Nevertheless, in the end, the kids loved it, so what can I say?

Cousins, Three Sisters + Nikolai and Baby Gemma

FATHERMUCKER: I contribute to The Nervous Breakdown, a literary site, and TNB editor Greg Olear will release Fathermucker this October from Harper, a novel up my alley about a stay-at-home father. I wrote an article for the Fathermucker blog, in the spirit of gender inequities, “The Double Standard Makes Sense.” The point? You think men and women are equal? Hell no. I use circumcision, penitentiaries, and other examples to hammer down.

 

A Visit From the Tessaro Family: Cora, Cleo, and Eva

The Ferry to Whidbey Island

THE DOUBLE STANDARD: “I am married, the stay-at-home father of three daughters, and a proud sexist. Two sexes deserve equal rights, but not equal treatment. Why? Because men and women are not equal. Duh…” (Read essay here)

 

Uncle Somjait and Cousins Orion, Damien, & Satori taking Ava & Gia to their first day of school

Poker Night! Andy, Uncle Somjait, Me, Uncle Sanjay

MY SISTERS FLY HOME: This summer, as usual, my two younger sisters visited from afar (referenced in my Fathermucker piece) with their families. Always nice to have them, as they make our family seem relatively normal (examples may come in later blogs). My youngest sister Min and husband Somjait and three kids live in Hawaii, and Sarah with husband Stig and son live in Saudi Arabia. Hectic but very nice to spend time together as a family.

FAMILY TIME at GRANDY’s house  w/her offspring Terry, Tracy, & Danny

September 11, 2011, the last 80 degree+ day of summer?

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Filed under Disney, Feminist Issues, Mary Kay Letourneau, Pink is Evil, Sexist Stay-at-home Father

The Art of Wool Socks, Belt Weenies, and T-Shirts

Ava, Gia, and Friends

Normally Notes of a Sexist Stay-at-home Father, or NOASSAHF (Pronounced No-ass-ah-F) grooves on the humor of parenting, sexism, and the nauseatingly cute. This post diverges toward fashion and art.

Masterpiece #1

Masterpiece #2

On the left and right are two stunning works. But who be the artist, man? Jackson Pollock? Or one of his imitators? (compare with the original JP on the sidebar) How much gravy do these works earn? In what famous galleries do they hang? How much are they worth now? Are they in a private collection? Answers at the end of the post.

Are You Kidding Me?

These girls wouldn’t be caught dead using a ‘Shopping Cart Protector’!

SHOPPING CART PROTECTORS: Gadzooks! What is going on? Is this the work of a paranoid mom? A germ freak? What marketing madness is this? For those who think their beloved offspring are in danger of contracting viruses or pissed-off cow disease or the next pandemic they can buy next placebo: the Shopping Cart Protector. The other day I was taking my three girls into a supermarket when I spied this mother using one of these contraptions(Would a guy ever use a SCP?…the weak-ass metrosexual). I mean, c’mon! (See Penn & Teller’s Bullsh*t: Safety Hysteria for a bigger picture) People are trading hard-won cash for ‘False Sense of Security’. Baby will be that much safer, yeah, like babies are dropping off like burnt flies after choking on anthrax spores contracted at Safeway. Geez, folks, just put your kid in a  Skinner’s Box. Look at the pictures. Who’s got the funner parent, baby on the left, or the girls on the right? Furthermore, guess who makes the infernal gadget? It’s called a Disney Baby Dine & Shop Deluxe. (See This Post for more on the evils of Disney)

Kaya the Refrigerator Baby

Aunt Tracy Displaying her Hair Certificate From Northwest Hair Academy (On piano is a picture of my wife & I on our wedding day)

DON’T KIDS JUST SAY THE CUTEST DAMNED THINGS? Ava was watering plants the other day with mom, and she said, “Look mom, I’m spraying these plants so they will become beautiful!” Cute cute cute cute cute.

WOOL SOCKS & BELT WEENIES: I am no fashion maven. Frequently, my wife informs me that my shirts have stains, that my sweats don’t mesh with a collared shirt, or that I’m sporting a belt weenie (when the belt doesn’t loop and hangs in front of the crotch). Yet when it comes to wool socks and sandals, screw the fashion polizia! Wool socks and sandals are the bomb. Comfy, never too hot or too cool, no chafing, and since everyone in my family thinks I’m just a clueless dork who doesn’t realize wool socks are a no-no…I offer this: I know I’m a clueless dork, I just don’t care. Beware the Summer of the Wool Sock!

HOMAGE OR RIDICULE? There are people in my family who think, rather than paying tribute to my sister-in-law Tracy, that I am actually mocking her progess as a hairologist. Not so. I got her back, and nobody’s more proud than I. Tracy, you made it baby!

THE ARTIST REVEALED: Who painted the masterpieces? Where do they hang? On me as I paint a house, that’s where. The first is ‘Memory of a Persistent T-Shirt’, Masterpiece number two is known as ‘Portrait of T-Shirt in Repose’. Now that’s what I call art! Are you listening Warhol? Do you hear me Rothko? How can you guys be the man when I’m the man? ‘Nuff said.

Photo of the Month: Sacred Site in India

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Filed under Art, Cute, Disney, Fashion, Sexism, Sexist Stay-at-home Father, Tracy

Do These Clothes Make Me Look Fat?

Kaya! What makes you think you can steal Ava’s chef hat? Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean that you’re getting special priveleges. Be careful, kiddo!

SHOPPING: The Sexist Stay-at-Home Father (or me) is profoundly concerned about societal problems, or, simply put…good and evil. Thus a fascination with the Disney-pink-princess alliance. Complexities and ramifications abound. This “axis-of-evil” is rooted in a phenomenom most heinous…shopping. That’s right. Shopping. And where the hell is hell on earth? None other than that icon of US imperialism: Disneyland.

Newborn Kaya with her big sisters

Move over bin Laden, Disneyland has cornered the market on vile. If you think this statement hyperbole, let me throw out a horrifying truth. Disneyland opens their gates at ten a.m. without access to the theme park but rather Disney Village…yes…Disney Village…?!?!?!?! Exactly. The theme park opens at eleven a.m., and so when my wife and children and I entered there was nothing to do but shop. Aaaaaaaaaaghhhhh! And shop for what? Princess paraphernalia, much of it…er, er…ugh…yes…pink.

Enhanced interrogation at Guantanamo:  ‘Barney’s I LOVE YOU 24/7 at 120 decibels’ (Playlist here: Guantanamo Songs), and ‘caterpillar treatment’ (capturees are naked in a room with bugs), and even the notorious ‘waterboarding’ do not compare to an hour at Disney Village. Christopher Hitchens knows torture my ass! (See his Vanity Fair article) Mr. Hitchens, do Disneyland and then we’ll talk. And Disneyland is just the beginning, every mall in America replicates the horror: force the most hardened scum to wander for an hour through Disneyland or Pottery Barn, Macy’sBed Bath & Beyond, Gymboree, and then make them Build-a-Bear…they would be coughing up plots and co-conspirators right and left, world peace would be on the horizon…are you with me on this? You better damn well be!

MATH LESSON: Five out of three children are bad at fractions.   

CONGRATS TO TRACY: She passed the hair bar and is now a certified cosmetologist ready to make the world beautiful! (Check out Tracy and the Girls)

Hiya Kaya!

ST. PATRICK’s DISASTER: Dad thought he’d whip up a St. Pat’s Day dinner of corned beef and cabbage, and on said day started boiling corned beef at noon. Unfortunately, he simultaneously prepared soup for lunch, and turned off both pots when the soup was boiling. When the time came to plop the corned beef in the oven, at around five p.m., dinner was an undercooked chunk. Thus…Leftovers! Not the smoothest move, dad. (One time I served a stir fry seasoned with vanilla instead of soy sauce. My defense: the bottles looked similar…)

DO THESE CLOTHES MAKE ME LOOK FAT? How many times does a man hear this mega-ridiculous question? The connundrum was posed during Kaya’s birthday party, my wife’s sister and mom in attendance, and one of the lovely ladies said, and I repeat, “Do you think this shirt makes me look fat?” How often has a helpless man had to sit back and placate the woman? Thus I posited, “Why not just ask: ‘Do these clothes hide my fatness?'”  Unfortunately, my enlightening comment was not met with graciousness. I quickly discovered ‘women have babies blah blah blah’, they ‘work real hard to look nice for us men blah blah blah’, and ‘I’m an ass blah blah blah’. The ‘clothes-are-not-responsible-for-how-you-look’ argument may be right, but it doesn’t lead to happiness.

PICTURES of the WEEK: Ice Castles

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Filed under Appearance, Disney, Pink, Pink is Evil, Politically Incorrect, Sexist Stay-at-home Father, Tracy

Pink! The New Evil!

 

Should parents worry about pink? Look at my daughter Ava. Cute? She may seem so, harmlessly sipping a cola...but don't be fooled. She's actually guzzling my wife's rum and coke. Consider the color of her shirt. Is there a correlation?

What could be cuter than a baby playing in the sand? Yet the adorable just disappears with that spine chilling pink outfit. Yes, my little Kaya looks playful, but she's smiling because she just killed a seagull, ate its entrails, and then buried it in the sand. Is pink involved?

IS THE COLOR PINK EVIL? What is it with girls and pink? According to the BBC, pink is the cause of ‘Princess Disease’: BBC Reports That Pink Princess Thing Does Not Change Girls’ DNA. My daughters love pink, they are doomed.

MY WIFE GOES TO A BASKETBALL GAME: My wife, while on a business trip, went to an NBA game in Denver. She called me from the Pepsi Center, yeah, that’s where they play…and I asked her if she even knew any of the players. She responded, “I’m pretty sure one of the guys is named ‘Nugget’.”

Yeah, but she's still wearing pink.

WHO’S CUTE? Now that the girls go to pre-school I frequent bookstores and cafés,  or I shop (for food, not at the mall; there is nothing more evil than mall shopping…except maybe the color pink) with ten-month-old Kaya. Often I hear someone exclaim, “Oh, how cute!” And I always say, “Why thank you. Check out my baby. She’s pretty cute, too.”

CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE: The only time my wife has thought of killing herself was in the early days of our dating. We traveled some (Hong Kong, Taiwan, Thailand, Laos, Mexico). After a few nights in cockroach hostels I tried to talk my wife into one more, and she almost had tears in her eyes. We found a nicer place.

Gia, still suffering the effects of Disneyland in her Snow White costume, but at least it's not pink.

The only time I’ve ever contemplated suicide is after two straight days at Disneyland.

CHUCK TESSAROooooooo…is cooking! Over on Facebook…Bay infused butternut squash lasagna in oven for Thursday night dinner. Simple frisee & watercress salad w/blue cheez, champ vinaigrette.

THE NEW FREUDIAN SLIP: My wife has given new meaning to the Freudian slip. In our house a Freudian slip is whenever she accidentally pushes, punches, or kicks me in the balls. Example: the other night she reached over my side of the bed to grab the remote and I woke to her using my crotch as a fulcrum. “Ooooof!” I shouted. “Sorry,” she said, “I slipped.” Yeah, slipped my ass.

And for something different – The Tiger’s Nest – Paro Taktsang Monastery, Bhutan

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Filed under Chuck, Disney, Pink, Pink is Evil