Lesbian Frog | Notes of a Sexist Stay-at-home Father

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January 30, 2010 · 8:02 am

Hair Science

Master (or Mistress?) Hair Stylist Aunt Tracy and the girls

Tracy performing hair surgery

WHAT DID THE BRAIN SURGEON SAY TO THE ROCKET SCIENTIST? Answer: You know, it doesn’t take a hair stylist to figure this out.

More Tracy

Ava and Gia recently were the subjects of an artistic study undertaken by Aunt Tracy, my wife’s younger sister. She wants to graduate as a hair stylist from the elite Northwest Hair Academy (this coming from a guy with no hair and no job). To reach the upper echelons of cosmetology she must master the aesthetics of dye, chemistry, color profiles, parrafin wax, and creative foil. Will she earn her PhD (Philosophy of Hair Development)? Can she enter the H.I.T. (Hair Institute of Technology)?

Tracy and the girls at the hallowed halls of hair

NEXT CORNY JOKE: Anyway, the other day I talked to my psychiatrist and became enraged because he told me I have an ‘anal-oral fixation’…So I told him to kiss my ass.

DANCING WITH A Wii: Against sanity my wife bought a Wii. Another time-wasting gadget. We hosted a party, and after the kids went to sleep we adults started dancing to M.C. Hammer’s ‘Can’t Touch This’ and Blondie’s ‘Heart of Glass’. Alright, it wasn’t hell, I’ll concede. But this brought up reminiscences of high school. For us guys (or myself), one brush against breast while slow dancing at a Junior High gala produced three weeks of bliss. Now, in my forties, one night of passion is forgotten the next day. Oh, to be young again! (Anyone remember how, during Hotel California, everyone on the dance floor didn’t know whether to slow or fast dance?)

Ava & Gia kneading pizza dough

LAST CORNY JOKE: I went back to the psychiatrist and told him about how I could not eat anything but spaghetti or fettuccine or ravioli because, as a kid, we always ate Italian food. It gave such fond memories that any other food left me wanting. He told me, ‘You have to stop living in the pasta.’

And with that, here’s the…

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Filed under Corny Jokes, Lesbian Frog, Politically Incorrect, Tracy

January 16, 2010 · 9:49 pm

Existential Cow

Free from the moral complexities of dietary choice, these girls are enjoying their cereal and milk. At least for now.

Ava & Gia at a farm near Lake Chelan. Message to the cows: Life could be worse…much worse.

EXISTENTIAL COW: My wife wants cow friendly organic milk and cream. Fine, I can live with this. Still, I’m skeptical about how grateful the cow will be for our concern and attempts at relieving bovine misery. If you believe in the Buddhist aphorism that ‘All life is suffering’, then it is tough to imagine the cow’s happiness depends on being milked the correct way. The existential cow probably has figured this out. Yes, cows suffer, they are fenced in with nothing to do but ‘moo’. Maybe we should just free the cows. (For the cow curious, check out this article in Time magazine: Save the Planet: Eat More Beef)

These cows have broken the chains of their oppressors. They are free. Think their problems are over? They are now wandering vagrants, unwanted, hungry, and up to no good. Yes, they will no longer be cruelly milked by heartless capitalist farmers, but are they happier?

IRON CHEF WHIDBEY ISLAND: CHEF VINCE vs. CHUCK “Creampuff for Brunch” TESSARO

See the guy on the left? That’s Vince “It’s not French if there’s no ketchup!” Nattress. An ex-member of PETA, Vince awoke after watching this: Penn & Teller’s Bullsh*t. Balancing the wellbeing of the cow with an exquisite love of food, he earned a degree in Culinary Art from Fairhaven University, studied in kitchens in Avignon, France and the Napa Valley. He even waxes eloquence in this essay about POOP (also cow friendly). He is the Goliath. Who’s David? None other than….

Headshot VS.

Chuck Tessaro. Otherwise known as Facebook Chuck. Chuck grew up on corndogs, curly fries, and processed Kraft cheese slices, so how did he develop a palate? And a fine palate at that. He now recognizes and creates scintillating flavor profiles and hangs out (above right) with celebrity chef Tom Douglas. (Chuck, why are you eating a pickle?) Tune in to see how these two former small-town Coupeville residents fare head-to-head on the big stage.

Ava's ready for school!

CLUELESS FATHER TAKES DAUGHTER TO SCHOOL, FORGETS TO MAKE SURE DAUGHTER IS WEARING PANTS: A father went to pre-school with his daughter adorned in shirt and tights sans pants. The concerned pre-school teacher asked, “Where’s your daughter’s pants?” Father had to make a second trip to get pants. What a bad father. (Sorry, Ava, I will check next time.)

LESBIAN DOUBLE STANDARD: This week we had in-laws over for dinner. Inspired by Chuck we made our own pizzas, including a goat cheese, roasted butternut squash, arugula, olive oil pie…yum! yum! Anyway, over dinner conversation my wife was telling Grandma & Grandpa about how we got a free subscription to Showtime, and that we’re recording ‘The L Word‘, a drama about lesbians. My wife observed: “How come we hear about women who are sick of men and start dating other women? But we never hear a man say, ‘I’m sick of women! I think I’ll start dating men!'”