Category Archives: Sexist Stay-at-home Father

The Golden Rules of Peeing in the Pool

Nikolai's birthday, August 12, at Century Link watching Alice 'n' Chains and Guns 'n' Roses

Nikolai’s birthday, August 12, at Century Link watching Alice in Chains and Guns ‘n’ Roses

This essay is from 7 years ago, but the website link is dead, so I’m reprinting, surrounded by family photos:

The Gold Rules of Peeing in the Pool

Before the Show, August 12. Century Link

Before the Show, August 12. Century Link

Since having children, my wife and I have fallen in love with the all-inclusive vacation. We sit by a pool, waitstaff bring us drinks, and when we want a break from the piglets, we put them in daycare. However, in Mexico, we had a little poolside confrontation. My wife and I lounged and watched Ava play with new friend 4-year-old Cody. To swim, Ava needs an inflatable ring. Cody saw her struggle, boasted he could swim “all by myself!”, then darted to the deep end to frolic with his mother. Ava had to pee, so my wife accompanied her to a nearby bathroom. When Cody returned, he asked why Ava had disappeared. I told him that Ava had to use the bathroom.

Gia and Kaya with Sana Nasim's gift

Gia and Kaya with Sana Nasim’s gift

Cody said, “Why doesn’t she pee in the pool?”

“Because you can’t pee in the pool,” I said.

“Yes you can.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“My mother told me I can.”

“No she didn’t.”

“Yes she did!”

My birthday, with

My birthday, with parents, kids, niece, and nephews (l to r – back, Nikolai, Ye-ye, Ava, front, Orion, Gia, Damien, Nai-nai, Kaya, Satori)

I asked, “Do you swim in your toilet?”

Cody stood unfazed, shook his head, and repeated, “My mother said I can pee in the pool.”

With this, he hurtled his body into the water and zoomed back to his mother’s side. My wife returned and I told her about the little varmint. We shrugged it off and focused on our daughters until Cody returned and announced, “Hey! I just asked my mom and she said it’s okay. I can pee in the pool if I want!”

Then he jumped in and remained almost motionless for what seemed like 30 seconds. I looked at the water in front of the kid’s shorts and almost saw an inversion of warm urine and cool water forming convection currents. The waitress placed a beer by my side as if on cue and I grabbed the glass, went into the pool, and trudged to where the mother leaned against the pool’s edge.

Dinner in Oak Harbor

Dinner in Oak Harbor with wife, sister Min, bro-in-law Stig, sister Sarah

“Hello. Um. I’m the father of Ava – the girl Cody’s playing with.”

“Oh, hi,” she said. We introduced. She hailed from Minnesota. We exchanged parental pleasantries, but before we went overboard praising offspring I said, “Cody told me he could pee in the pool, and that you gave him permission.”

I finished my beer with a large gulp.

Minnesota Mom said, “Yes. So? The pool’s chlorinated.”

I scrunched my face and closed my eyes for a few seconds, and then splashed and pushed water in her direction.

“Ahhhhh. I just relieved myself, but don’t worry, the water’s chlorinated.” I departed as expletives started to roll.

I returned and told my wife of the chat with Minnesota Mom, as well as my departing act.

2016-08-29 16.22.47

Gia at Layne’s Fixer-Upper

“You didn’t really pee, did you?” My wife asked.

I said, “Of course not.” (And this will be the version I’ll tell my offspring.)

The mother and her son already had started to leave the pool area, hopefully the wiser. Yet for all that, what had I learned? Sophisticated logic confuses the hell out of me, the philosophies of “treat others as you would like to be treated” and “what comes around goes around” could cancel out one another. And “turn the other cheek” is nothing more than a platitude. But I had a story for my daughters. I would tell them every aphorism has a time and place, yet these golden rules become morally ambiguous when applied to peeing-in-the-pool etiquette.

Perpendicular Video of Concert

 

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The Sexist Stay-at-home Santa

圣诞快乐!The Sexist Stay-at-home Santa Clause

圣诞快乐!The Sexist Stay-at-home Santa Clause

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Going to another Xmas party

Indian Dress

Indian Dress

Santa Dad:  Kaya’s Chinese pre-school needed a Santa who could speak a little Chinese and looked the part. Not that I look like Mr. Claus, but 圣诞节快乐!小朋友今年你怪不怪? 哎呀!在一个火车玩具?

Gia the Outstanding Orca

Gia the Outstanding Orca

Christmas with the in-laws

Christmas with the in-laws

Underwear Underwhere? Underwear by definition are clothes worn underneath. They cannot be inside out. Half the time I put them on my wife says, “Caleb, you put your underwear on backwards.”

Method to the ol’ Madness:  In my world, putting underwear on “backwards” spreads the wear and tear. But no matter how I explain, my wife just doesn’t buy it.

An Xmas card unused

An Xmas card unused

Kaya and Santa Dad

Kaya and Santa Dad

Joke of the month:  What happened when the melon tried to run away with the pineapple to get married?

Answer:  He discovered that he cantaloupe.

Book/Film: And on a final note, the Sexist Stay-at-home Santa/Father has a forthcoming book/film. Actor/director/writer James Franco, this December, shot I Think You’re Totally Wrong:

I Think You're Totally Wrong

I Think You’re Totally Wrong

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Hard Workin’ Dad

The girls knit!

The girls knit!

Disneyland Bound

Disneyland Bound

Hard workin’ Dad:  My wife, who works long, often crazy hours including weekends, asked the girls who works harder? Mom or Dad? The girls said, “Dad!” Mom said, “No way!” The girls said, “Way!” Mom said, “Why doest thou betray?” Girls said, “We think Dad works harder because he works eight jobs and you only work one.” Mom, of course, was outraged at the mad injustice. Of course she works harder. But Dad’s got game and plan: no matter what he’s doing, he tells the girls he’s “working.” Whether it’s looking after the kids, writing blogs or manuscripts, reading, cooking dinner, playing basketball at the health club, doing “research” on the Internet, or watching a ball game with a beer, Dad always says, “I’m working, don’t bother me.” Smart dad, I’d say.

Kaya!

Kaya!

Kayaboogs:  Kaya will turn four this spring equinox, and she’s definitely growing. Even though she’s shy with strangers, there’s no shame when picking her nose. She’ll just be hanging with a finger tusk emerging out of her nostril, and no matter how much we make fun of her, she just laughs and laughs. Lately, though, things have taken an ominous twist, as I’ll be driving and I’ll hear from the backseat, “Garbage!” I’ll reach my hand back and she’ll deposit a snot nugget in the palm of my hand. Hmm…I wonder if she has her dad’s sense of humor.

A Tale of Two Tables

A Tale of Two Tables

End of the Table:  In our living room we had an end table. Over the years a coaster-less drink or two left a mark on the surface, making it a useless piece of junk in my wife’s eyes. My wife is a fan of the “distressed” look of home furnishing, unless it’s real, and then she wants to replace. I’m a fan of “distressed” home furnishing because it means no need to worry about the next mark caused by a coaster-less drink. But my wife won this battle, jettisoned a perfectly good “distressed” piece, and bought a new end table for the living room.

Gia wearing a "Caleb" shirt

Gia wearing a “Caleb” shirt

JOKE OF THE MONTH: 

Question – Why did the carpenter laugh after smashing his thumb?

Answer – Because he had a strange sense of hammer.

(And for politics, pop culture, and more of the same sense of “hammer,” go to my other blog – Richard Cheese vs. Rage Against the Machine)

Video of Christmas Past:

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The Elected Sexist

Elliot, Gia, Ava & Kaya – Little Pumpkins!

Hanging with the girls

Election 2012! What a year. As if anyone out there isn’t fed up with election talk. Why the three plus week wait? Well, I had planned and prepared to post a few days after Nov. 6, but I’m the sort who sees a lot of pros in crastination. As usual, the same sexist rhetoric will filter, staying true to the idea that women are superior, and us men have a chip on our shoulder and are pissed.

Ten Years of Marriage:  My wife and I are going strong, and our next anniversary will be #10. But who can forget this headline – Entire Republican National Convention Stunned As Ann Romney Asks For Divorce?

At the zoo

Pot Legalized in Washington, Hostess Out of Business:  Washington state and Colorado became the first two states to legalize marijuana, coinciding with a Hostess brouhaha with the union. Just when Hostess sales would skyrocket with the increase of “stoners with munchies,” the union and company couldn’t come to terms and the junk food behemoth is heading out of business.

At Grandpa’s House

GAY MARRIAGE R-74:  And Washington doubled down by passing R-74 (see this article). My wife voted for it because: “I want homosexuals to be as miserable as me.” (Not the first time this joke has been used.)

Justified Sexism:  If anyone out there doubts whether women are superior, look no further than the FBI Top Ten List, it’s 100% Men. If the FBI had a Top Thousand List there might be ten or twenty women, max.

At Eva’s 4th Birthday

Joke of the Month – Pamela Anderson: Okay, despite female superiority, there are exceptions. Look no further than green enthusiast and PETA nut Pamela Anderson, who has riddled herself with synthetics to beautify. She’s what I’d call a botoxymoron…Ba-Boom! Thank you thank you thank you…

Mother & Daughter

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Filed under Feminist Issues, Sexism, Sexist, Sexist Stay-at-home Father

Diapers and Double Standards

BOWLING AT EBEY BOWL on WHIDBEY ISLAND (with Gia rolling and Sarah, Stig, Nikolai, Ava, Kaya, and Terry looking on):

Uncle San-J, Gia & Elliot

Uncle San-J & Aunt Tra-C & Ava

THE END of DIAPERS: Like billions of parents, my wife & I have reached a milestone. Third daughter Kaya (Kaya on the Pot) is potty trained. Which means, after six and a half years of diapers, we’re done. After a couple of weeks of cold butt, namely, clothes off and icy shower for every accident, Kaya learned. Cruel? No. Effective? You bet.

Grandy, Ava, San-J & Tra-C

THE MONROE STATE FAIR YANG-YANG: This year my wife talked me into going to the Monroe State Fair. Usually she takes sister Tracy and the kids, giving me a win-win, or in the Daoist tradition, a yin-yin, as I escape the Fair and get a day to myself. But not this year.  So what’s the Monroe State Fair like? Think Disneyland but shorter. That’s a yang-yang. Nevertheless, in the end, the kids loved it, so what can I say?

Cousins, Three Sisters + Nikolai and Baby Gemma

FATHERMUCKER: I contribute to The Nervous Breakdown, a literary site, and TNB editor Greg Olear will release Fathermucker this October from Harper, a novel up my alley about a stay-at-home father. I wrote an article for the Fathermucker blog, in the spirit of gender inequities, “The Double Standard Makes Sense.” The point? You think men and women are equal? Hell no. I use circumcision, penitentiaries, and other examples to hammer down.

 

A Visit From the Tessaro Family: Cora, Cleo, and Eva

The Ferry to Whidbey Island

THE DOUBLE STANDARD: “I am married, the stay-at-home father of three daughters, and a proud sexist. Two sexes deserve equal rights, but not equal treatment. Why? Because men and women are not equal. Duh…” (Read essay here)

 

Uncle Somjait and Cousins Orion, Damien, & Satori taking Ava & Gia to their first day of school

Poker Night! Andy, Uncle Somjait, Me, Uncle Sanjay

MY SISTERS FLY HOME: This summer, as usual, my two younger sisters visited from afar (referenced in my Fathermucker piece) with their families. Always nice to have them, as they make our family seem relatively normal (examples may come in later blogs). My youngest sister Min and husband Somjait and three kids live in Hawaii, and Sarah with husband Stig and son live in Saudi Arabia. Hectic but very nice to spend time together as a family.

FAMILY TIME at GRANDY’s house  w/her offspring Terry, Tracy, & Danny

September 11, 2011, the last 80 degree+ day of summer?

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Filed under Disney, Feminist Issues, Mary Kay Letourneau, Pink is Evil, Sexist Stay-at-home Father

100% of My Children Are Daughters!

Ava & Gia laughing at Kaya’s butt!

Ava’s cake with her name in Chinese (爱花) and English

74% OF WOMEN WRITERS  & READERS WANT MORE FEMALE BYLINES: According to VIDA: Women in Literary Arts, over 75% of the bylines at Harper’s are male. At the New Yorker, of 612 writers, over 70% (449) are male. The New York Times Book Review comes in with a whopping 80% male. What’s going on? (And shouldn’t it  be WILA, not VIDA?)

Ava & Gia’s art, the characters for mom & dad 妈妈 & 爸爸

Dig deeper, VIDA has a guest post by the unique Percival “I-don’t-give-a-damn-what-anyone-thinks-I-write-what-I-want” Everett (a man), implying Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom, were it written by a woman, would probably be considered “chick lit.” Instead, it’s getting mad attention. How can this be? Aren’t women more intelligent? Why are respectable magazines male dominated when women comprise the majority of readers? Could this have anything to do with the fact men are funnier? (See previous blog)

At WIS for the Chinese New Year.

99% OF THIS BLOG’S READERS ARE FRIENDS & FAMILY: Most of you  know I studied Chinese in Taiwan and that our daughters are learning Chinese. In December of 2007 Ava began with Chinese at WIS. In February she celebrated her sixth birthday. Congrats to Ava! (Photo above is 2010, Year of the Tiger, below is 2011, Year of the Rabbit)

CHARLIE SHEEN IS 100% A-HOLE: Need proof that men are the inferior gender? Look no further than Charlie “Dorkbag” Sheen. The bozo’s cerebral capacity lags even bovine brain power. My first Notes post (here) questioned the crappy Two and a Half Men and its A-hole star. Now Charlie “Phallus” Sheen (click here and here for the latest) has gone Mel Gibson.

MY WIFE MAKES ME FEEL 100% YOUNGER: I am a year older than my wife, however, my wife makes me feel younger every day…by starving my ego with cracks like “Act your age” and “Grow up.” Teenagers get more respect…ok, kidding aside, she’s not that bad, however, she does think I play the “struggling artist” card a little too much, and my attempts at “hip” and “cool” don’t mesh with my age. Fortunately, with my wife it’s the opposite, she continues to grow wiser as she looks ever the younger.

February Snow

Shopping…Aaaaaargh!!!!

100% OF FUNNY PIE CHARTS USING THE TERM “VAS DEFERENS” HAVE BEEN CREATED BY JIMMY CHEN:  Check out the Pie Chart of the month, courtesy of Jimmy Chen (male) at 0 Comments.

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Who’s Funnier? Sanjay or Christopher Hitchens?…or Women?

Is the man in the middle funny?

Are These Women Funny?

“…women don’t need to be funny. Most men, if they can’t make women laugh, they’re out of the evolutionary contest.” – Christopher Hitchens (Video below)

GENDER WARS: Men and women have different funny bones. Women need to laugh, and men need to make women laugh. Do you think I married my wife because she’s a hoot? Let’s observe natural selection at work through the prism of my sis-in-law Tracy and her future groom, Sanjay. In most marriages, the woman laughs at and with the man, and the man makes her laugh. Look at Sanjay, look at Tracy, the eyes don’t lie, who would you put your money on if they both entered Last Comic Standing? (Exceptions that don’t disprove the rule: In my mother-in-law Jan’s marriage, Jan is probably funnier than Pops. Pops, though incredibly cool, wouldn’t go far doing standup. And my father, though I love him dearly, may be the most boring guy on earth. For that matter, most inanimate objects floating in outer space are funnier than my dad.)

TRA-C’s GETTING MARRIED, BUT IS SAN-J REALLY A MAN? This spring my sister-in-law, Tracy, will marry Sanjay. Here’s a little love story.

Who’s making who laugh?

Kaya ain’t funny, but she’s cute!

BLACK FRIDAY: San-J’s a big talker about his B-ball game. When he found out I like to hoop he was all, “Yeah, I love to hoop. Let’s hoop, man, anytime, man.” He invites me to meet and play with his homeys. Somehow, I start playing regularly with them, sans Sanjay. He always has a reason, his knee, or he’s sick, or he has to work…B.S. or not? Turns out he had to see a doctor about his knee. Finally, he’s A-OK, and tells me, “My knee’s good, next time I’m free I’m in!”

Wife & Kaya, notice how they’re not being funny.

Sanjay trying to be “cool”…he just looks funny.

Thanksgiving weekend rolls around, Friday he’s not working…and he tells me he’ll go play with my morning crew at the club (as long as he’s not hungover from the Thanksgiving bash). Thanksgiving at our house that evening, Tra-C & San-J crash, next morning at 7 a.m. my wife wakes me to inform that they’re going shopping…it’s Black Friday, the post-Thanksgiving “Shopper’s Holiday.” Go girls go! Cool…but, to my astonishment, Sanjay is also going! Obviously, he’s not hungover. I jolt upright, confront him in the hall, and say, “What the f**k! You’re going shopping with the ladies? What about ball?” He says, “(Mumble mumble mumble)” I say, “Shopping?” He says, “Yeah, I’m doing if for love.” Now, I know what you’re thinking, that I’m exaggerating, that a “man” really didn’t choose shopping over ball, but this is no fiction. What did I say? – “Sanjay, you are a hermaphrodite.” Sanjay’s humor, evidently, his only masculine trait. And love’s great, yeah yeah yeah, but we’ll see who’s shopping on Black Friday after five years of marriage.

My wife and daughters know how to laugh, they have to, I guess!

SANJAY “GUPTA DEEPAK” CHOPRA: Sanjay was at Safeway, he paid with credit, the checker looked at the ID, and said, “Hey, Sanjay Chopra, I’ve heard that name…that famous surgeon?” Sanjay said, “Nope, that’s Sanjay Gupta.” The checker said, “Then I must be thinking of that Buddha yoga writer.” Sanjay said, “Deepak Chopra.” Sanjay says, “Sh*t like this happens all the time.”

“SHOPPING IS HELL” – JUST A MAN’s OPINION? My wife, Tracy, and Jan went shopping for Tracy’s wedding dress. San-J and I stayed home, looked after the kids, and watched football (San-J’s one of those hermaphrodites that likes football). Hours later my wife called. “Aaaaaarghhhhh!” She cried, “We’ve been here for hours! Tracy keeps saying, ‘I have to try on one more dress!'” I thought, Ah ah!…It’s sort of nice, for once, that my wife sees what I have to endure.

HOT DUDE FUNNY WOMAN: So, one last salvo to the theme of this month’s blog, forgive the redundancy….when was the last time you saw a hunk hooked up with an ordinary woman because of her rip-snorting sense of humor? Men…we may be shallow, but we’re funny.

HITCHENS FAILS TO ADDRESS MONEY & PERSONALITY: A man’s wallet size can compensate for lack of humor. Also, to women’s credit, many are attracted to personality and intelligence. Personality + Intelligence = Funny man. Women may not be funnier, but they’re not as shallow. Check out the Hitchens video below, despite what my sister, Sarah, thinks…it’s funny!

Video of the month: Ava on the Sled!

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Filed under Appearance, Beer, Christopher Hitchens, Corny Jokes, Feminist Issues, Marriage, Sexism, Sexist Stay-at-home Father, shopping